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On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Friday, 29 June 2012

Claims £inancial

Initial Message:

Claims £inancial

Notice for Nick,

We have identified you as a potential high-risk claimant that may be entitled to compensation. Claims Financial is a market-leader in claim handling for mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance
If you've taken out a loan or a credit card in the last ten years, then it's likely you are among the millions who are owed refunds.
Start your claim with our 60 second form
It's easy to make a claim, and you could receive a refund worth £1000's
High street banks have been mis-selling payment protection insurance for years. After action by the Financial Services Authority, the banks are being forced to pay compensation.
Click Here for refund information
  • No win, no fee claim settlements
  • No upfront cost
  • Financial claim & consumer justice experts
  • Professional, personal service
  • Regulated by the Ministry of Justice
An estimated £8 billion is owed to customers that may have been mis-sold payment protection insurance (PPI) and don't even realise it. Know your rights.
Am I eligible?


Dear Claims £inancial (how does that even work by the way?? Do you answer the phone with "Hello, Claims Poundsign-inancial how can we help you"??? It reminds me of a sandwich shop near my house called 'Mr £andwich'. They sells sarnies for a quid! They probably think it's really clever putting a pound sign in front of 'sandwich', i find it just complicates matters. How do they introduce the company? "Hi i'm the CEO of Mr Pound-andwich, we sell sarnies for a quid don't you know, hence the pound sign in front of our name"? If they just say "Hi i'm the CEO of Mr. Sandwich" that misses the selling point of 'sarnies for a quid' and makes them sound unimaginative and bland. Why give your company a name that you can't even pronounce without sounding like a complete tool? What's the solution? I have no idea!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha).

Anyhoo, i read your recent email regarding PPI claims (Perpetual Primrose Imbalance? Perfect Penguin Igloo?? Preposterous, Pathetic Idiocy???) and i am slightly concerned with your assessment of me as 'a potential high-risk claimant'! What on earth does this mean?? I certainly don't feel 'high risk', i mean i have taken the odd chance in my life but generally i'm quite a shy bloke who tends to go for the safe option. They don't call me 'Boring-Safety-First-Nevertakesanyriskstwat-Nick for nothing you know. Granted there was that one time when i went out without a coat in March last year but i wasn't gone long and the weather forecast did say with a fair bit of confidence that it probably wouldn't rain. Slightly risky, but possibly a long way from 'high-risk' 'non'? (that's French by the way, not a typo. I'm not French although if i had super powers i'd choose the ability to become French for brief periods. Not the most useful super power i know but it would certainly come in useful in cases where one would be required to become French for brief periods. When being racist for example). As for me being 'risky' though, i feel you've got the wrong guy.
No matter. I am writing to you not to establish my risk-averse nature, but primarily because i have a proposition for you! May i first say how very kind it was of you to think of me when dishing out compensation, it really is most thoughtful! I feel honoured that you have chosen me for this special treatment! I will however have to decline as i have not been 'mis-sold' PPI ever, in fact the concept of 'mis-selling' baffles me somewhat. What does 'mis-selling' involve exactly? Is it like they advertise sex pheromone spray then instead send you insurance by mistake? Not that i've ever bought sex pheromone spray i might add. If i need sex pheromones i just get my neighbours dog to piss in my face, it's a lot cheaper (and surprisingly more pleasant!).
So, onto my proposition: I have identified you as a potential high-risk nuisance that may be entitled to mildly abusive, not-really-that-funny emails from me on a regular basis! If you keep sending me bullshit offers of compensation for things i have never been involved with then it's likely that i'll continue to send you bullshit emails filled with nonsensical rants and meaningless asides! Deal? Or no deal? Or how about we just kill Noel fucking Edmonds?
Peace out,

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