About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Tuesday, 10 July 2012


Initial Message:
From:Georgia Ramires (GeorgiaRamirespw22@yahoo.com)
Sent:06 July 2012 11:48:59

The whole world will stop so I can tell you from the top of the highest mountain that I am deeply and passionately in love with you. I'm sending you an eCard so you'll realize how extraordinary you are to me. Retrieve your ecard here


Saved:10 July 2012 14:50:01
To: georgiaramirespw22@yahoo.com

Hey nonny nonny Georgia!

After reading your declaration of passionate and deep love for me i think it's totally safe to assume we're now like husband and wife yes? (you are a woman aren't you?? Sorry to ask it's just that my friend Rufus once had a parakeet called Georgia and while ours was only a brief inter-species fling i am still scarred by the discovery of 'Georgias' tiny post-op cock and balls in a yoghurt pot at the back of the fridge. You can imagine my face can't you? I made a noise like this: "eeeeyyyyuuuurrch-ch-ch-ch-eeeeeoogh-phew and then spat an entire mouthful of sputum on the floor). Sorry, i'm getting side-tracked. Seeing as we're now, like, husband and wife i think we ought to lay down some ground rules for our relationship. Sort of like a pre-nup like what celebrities have only without the clause that forbids you to talk of my gayness (like the one Tom Cruise has). Oh, and i have a bone to pick with you too: what's all this about you thinking i'm 'extraordinary'. What the fucking fuck? So, i'm not just 'ordinary' i'm EXTRA-ordinary, like far more 'ordinary' than the next guy, i'm like ordinary+, ordinary 2.0. It's like being called 'extrashit' or being labelled an 'extrawanker'. Right, here are my rules:

Rule number 1. (Hey how about i write these in bible-speak? That'll sound dramatic and authoritarian!) Rule number 1. Thou shalt not feed me biscuits on a Wednesday. Or else.

Rule number 2. Thou shalt treat every request to fetch something for me as a competitive race where you have to beat me to said item. Hair pulling, tit grabbing, ankle wanking and eye licking are all legal moves. If you lose you have to cry real tears while i get to shit on your face. If i lose, actually scrap that I NEVER LOSE!!!!!

Rule number 3. Thou shalt make it your lifes mission to find me the answer to the following question: That song, 'The Twist' by Chubby Checker, was it ghost-written by Jeremy Beadle? The bit where he says "Take-me-by-my-little-hand" got me wondering.

Rule number 4. Thou shalt not have any more periods. Shove a cork in it or something you dirty witch.

That will do for now i think. If any more occur to me i'll let you know. Looking forward to you moving into my shed with me and my 23 cats real soon!

Love, kisses, gentle slaps on the back of the head, a little bit of facial weeing but not too much i'm not that into it, and a large helping of mustard bukkake,

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

UK Compensation Centre

Initial Message:

Date: Thu, 28 Jun 2012 02:34:56 -0400
From: UKCompensationCenter@interesttoday.net
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Nick Hart, claim the compensation you deserve for your accident
Using a blackberry, mobile email or having problems? View an online version
How Much Could You Claim?  find out now - click here
Esther Rantzen Says:
"If the injury wasn't your fault,
get the facts about claiming
compensation. Know your rights."
You can claim for:

• Injuries as a driver or passenger
• Injuries as a cyclist or motorcyclist
• Injuries as a bus passenger
• Injuries caused by uninsured drivers
You can claim for:

• Injuries in a private vehicle
• Injuries in a taxi
• Injuries on a bus or train
You can claim if you for:

• Injuries whilst crossing the road
• Injuries through negligent driving
• Injuries in a car park
You can claim for:

• Injuries in dangerous workplaces
• Injuries through inadequate training
• Industrial diseases
You can claim for:

• Exposure to harmful chemicals
• Inhalation of harmful dust
• Injuries from lack of safety equipt.
• Poor or broken ventilation systems
You can claim for:

• Any accident that wasn't your fault
• Injuries sustained in the last 3 years
• No Win - No Fee compensation
• Maximum cash awards
So, how much
could you claim?
find out now - click here
Take our 30 SECOND TEST now.


Dear fly-by-night chancers,
I read your recent email with interest and nervousness-induced adrenaline coursing through my veins (that picture of Esther Rantzen you used is terrifying! Was she sniffing glue before you took it?? She looks like a velociraptor on a caffeine high!). Frankly i'm disgusted, not only with Esther's sinister face but with her assertion that i can claim compensation only "if the injury wasn't my fault". Oh that's just lovely that is, let's exclude self-harmers from our little deal! Let's 'stick the knife in' to self harmers! Let's harm the self harmers on top of their self harming harm! Are you a bunch of compensation sadists?? 
Also, on the subject of Esther Rantzen, my mate Brian down the pub said she once shat into a doner kebab and ate it for a dare. And he saw her flicking cashew nuts at pigeons in Leeds Market one time. Is this the sort of person you want endorsing your seedy attempts to fleece money from people using pseudo-altruistic tactics?? Did you also know that Esther was born without a mouth so surgeons had to graft a horses vagina onto her face and jam a bunch of Tic-Tacs in for teeth?? (This may or may not be true, Brian has been known to be a little wide of the mark sometimes).
Regarding accidents i have had several over the years and i would like to claim for them all please. Below is a list:
Accident number 1!! - I once accidently watched The Darling Buds Of May with David Jason, it was a bit where he said "perfick" too. It felt like i'd been mind raped with a hammer and it made my brain-anus (my brainus??) bleed (file under 'mockneytwatmindrape').
Accident number 2!! - Once, in my teens, i wore what can only be described as 'a really really shit hat' with a dumb badge on one side. I looked a total cunt. It was a complete accident as i meant to wear the blue one with the parrot on the front (file under 'shithat' or 'shat').
Accident number 3!! - I went to Chester Zoo last year and accidently called one of the elephants 'a fucking sherbert fancy' and have felt guilty ever since (file under 'elephantracist').
Accident number 4!! - Pissed on a tramp (file under 'accident?notreally).
I reckon i could get a right wedge for that lot whaddyasay?