About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Payday Pig

Initial Message:

Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2013 04:45:56 -0700
From: simple@angeliflight.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject:  Need Cash Quick? Get up to 1000 GBP Now - No Credit Checks! 



Hello Mr Pig (you're not a copper are you? One that appears on payday and makes sure i'm not spending my wages on crack? Fucking fascist!),

I'm really chuffed about your offer of money, it really is so very kind of you. However I do feel it is my duty as a good citizen of this shitty, overcrowded, arrogant (hey, if this was a pirate speaking he would say 'arrrrrrrr-ogant wouldn't he?! a-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa i'm such a prick, sorry) way-too-conservative-play-it-safe-racist-idiot-exploitative-capitalist-scumbags-bullshit country of ours that i think you're making a pretty grave error of judgement. While it is incredibly generous of you (some may say naive, but what do they know eh? Don't you listen to them Piggy) you really ought to know that i'm not the most trustworthy gent in the world. In fact it may come as a surprise to you that (*whisper it*!) "i'm not all that good with money! shhhhhhhh!!!" And along you come, all good natured and well meaning offering me 1000 grands without so much as a cursory check of my bank balance! I can only conclude from such an unconditional act of genuine kindness that you must in fact be Jesus. Hi Jesus, long time no see *waves*.

I fear that if i do accept your lovely, scrumptious, chocolatey sweet peach of an offer, i'll just go and blow the lot on trinkety seaside nic-nacs like porcelain dolphins riding the crest of a glittery wave, set into which is a delightful gold and chrome timepiece. Or resin statues of dogs to go either side of me fireplace so i can pretend i'm a famous darts player *gasp* oh i do love them so!! You see? I've spent the cunt already and you've not even give it me yet! I'm terrible! You must understand, i am to sensible money dealings what Noel Edmonds is to 'not being a detestable arsehole'. So you see, your generosity is in this instance slightly 'misplaced'. Wait....you haven't sent this email to a whole bunch of other people have you??? All of whom are, like me, a tad frivolous? No, of course you haven't! You're Jeeeeeeesus! Jesus wouldn't be that much of a tit surely.

So thanks but no thanks, i must do the right thing and reject your wonderfully crispy offer but before i go Jesus could you do me a favour? Seeing as you're back in the house could you pop by the vatican and tell that new pope that addressing a crowd of invited dignitaries whilst standing in front of huge expensive gold encrusted drapes in luxurious robes in a vast hall surrounded by state of the art security before taking part in a long drawn out and costly induction ceremony and then talking about being 'a church for the poor' is, how shall we say, 'a little bit hypo-fucking-critical'! Shithead.

Peace out you piggy twats.

Monday, 11 March 2013

'John Beaver'

Initial Message:

From: rcheung@singnet.com.sg
Subject: urget
Date: Wed, 6 Mar 2013 05:28:03 -0700

Attention ,

My name is John Beaver, Personal legal attorney to your late Uncle who died on the 8th of November, 2006 in the UK. Fortnight ago, I was contacted by the Financial Institution of International Monetary Organization were he held a monetary resource to contact his family members on his abandoned investment with the payee bank through World Bank. Throughout my search, I was not able to ascertain a genuine relative who shall be recipient of his abandoned investment, hence contacting you through your country listed match Data.

Yours truly,

John Beaver (Esq)
Legal Practitioner
Act Legal

Phone: +447937141794


Hello John Beaver,

Thank you for you correspondence. I was unaware that my beloved uncle had passed away and it comes as quite a shock as i'm sure i saw him buying chicken nuggets in Aldi just last month. He died in 2006 you say? I thought he looked a bit disheveled at the family reunion last year. At the time i put it down to him being one of those 'homosexuals' (i've heard about them on the tv, there was a man saying how they 'didn't do ironing' and how they all have long hair and how they liked to roll around in mud and not wash for weeks. Or was that gypsies?) but now you mention it he was missing some flesh here and there and he had a whiff of embalming fluid about him (again, i guessed this was what 'homosexes' used for aftershave).

Oh deary me, so he's proper dead. Well i suppose that's down to the path you choose in life isn't it? I mean, all that 'homosexiness' going on it was always going to end up with someone getting hurt wasn't it? I was saying to my Harold just the other day, i said "HAROOOOOLD!!!!!!!" (he's slightly deaf), "HAROLD! If you could just turn away from the cricket for once and LISTEN you fucking piece of shitting shit! Oh that's right just bloody ignore me, your wife of 40 years who has supported you through every fucking melodrama and crisis in your pathetic, pointless fucking life you utter utter CRETIN!". I said "Harold.........Harold...........Harold............" and he just sat there, a big spit string hanging from his fat blue lips, looking like a prostitute had just farted on his balls, but then before he could answer i went and got the big frying pan from the kitchen, the non-stick one i got in the sale at Next (a real bargain, only 25 English pounds and it's served me really well John you should get one) and i took a big run up and smashed the fucking prick right in his numb dribbling face. "Did you hear that you cunt?? Did you?? DID YOOOOOUUUUU??". Then i hitched my skirt up, dropped me bloomers and took a massive shit in his shocked gaping mouth.

Where was i? Oh yes, my dead gay uncle. Well, the answer to your question is "yes!", of course i'd like his money (is homosexual money the same as real money? Or can i only spend it on fluffy rabbits and camomile tea? That's what the man on tv said the gays spend their money on and he was on tv so it must be true. It's like that program i saw about that Austrian fella, 'Adam Hilter' or something his name was, where he really didn't like Juice and banned it from Germany but he seemed to be alright with the 'concentrated' stuff that he took camping. That was all true they reckon, he didn't sound like a very nice man really). Either way i'm down for whatever, just send me the money. Do you want some tit shots in return? I'm 74 and me tits went south a number of years back but i'll prop em up as best i can and take some snapshots if you like? I'll get my useless shit of a husband Harold to do it once he's out of intensive care. Wanker.

So lovely to hear from you John!

Niesche xxx