About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Sunday, 25 November 2012


Initial Message: 

Date: Sat, 24 Nov 2012 03:48:22 -0800
From: weboo661@att.net
Subject: Hiii


Nice Meeting You, i am miss jamila, i wish to have you as my friend,
please could you get back to me for more detail of my self, and all maybe
necessary in relationship including my picture, if this interest you get
back to me.yours jamila.


Helloooooooo Miss Jamila,

I'm so very pleased you wrote to me, and of course you can have me as your friend! Here's some facts about me that i hope will pique your interest and make your fat grotty tits vibrate with delight:

  • I have a genital wart that is shaped like jesus's face. The old people who own the corner shop near my house call me 'Holycock'.
  • I can eat up to 5 slices of aubergine in one sitting, but no more than that i'm not a complete idiot hahahahahah!
  • I can't speak German but i can be occasionally racist if the situation demands it (like if i'm trying to impress posh people).
  • I own a tie made of pigs lips and when i wear it i am inviiiiiiinciblllllllle!!!!
  • I never raped that poodle, it was totally consensual.
  • At certain times of the day i like to throw crayons at a motorbike.
  • I was raised by mice on a farm in the Cotswalds and discovered aged 9 eating my own shit by a local news reporter who took me in and cared for me until one night last year i got bored of her stupid monotone voice and slit her horrible flabby throat with a sliver of frozen urine. hahaha only joking Jamila, that's totally not true! She was a weather girl, not a news reporter. Slut.
  • I can't fucking say two fucking words without fucking saying the word 'fuck'. Or, erm...maybe i can?

I have enclosed a photo of me with my see-through pet lizard, his name is Thebeatlesweren'tallthatgoodandanyonewhosaysotherwiseisadelusionalhalfwit. I would very much like a picture of you in return, could you send me one of you holding a waffle iron and wearing a nappie?

Cheers you demented weirdo,

She Replied!!!!!!

From: jamila_10093@hotmail.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2012 08:34:46 +0000

Dear friend,

I am more than happy in your reply to my mail, how is your day today i hope all is well and fine with you including your health and job. My name is Miss jamila Dosi and i am 24 years, single and never been married, i am from Sudan in Africa but presently residing in the missionary church here in Senegal where i ran as a refuge due to the political civil war that took place in my country. I am in sufferings and pains here in this camp, i really need help from someone by encouraging me and good advice in life and to help me to come out from this situation, again to help me get my money, because my late father deposited some amount of money for me in the Bank and he used my name as the next of kin.

My late father Dr. Ellison Dosi, worked as the Chief Executive Officer of (E E C PLC) in Port Sudan in Sudan. During the war, the rebel loyal to one of the greedy business associate of my late father attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and father in a cold blood. It is only me that is alive now as the only child of my parents and i managed to make my way to this country Senegal by the help of UN army where i am living now in the missionary, headed by a Reverend Father, i used his office computer to send you this email and i only enter his office when he is less busy in his office.

I would like to know more about you, your likes, dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently. i like to meet understanding, loyal, sincere, truthfully, kindly, friendly and more to that, a man of vision. Attached here is my picture. I will be hoping to hear from you again.

Yours jamila.

Reply number 2:

Jamila! Blimey fuck that was a quick response! Lovely to hear from you. Have to say though, disappointed at the lack of waffle iron and nappie in your pictures you shit! Also you're a little bit hideous and your face makes me frightened, it looks inflated in all the wrong places (and i won't even mention your eyebrows! Jesus what the fuck are they?? Did you draw them on with a paint roller??). Do you remember a program that was on in the 80's (i think) based on Beauty and the Beast where the beast guy was called Vincent and he lived in Central Park New York and he had a stupid voice and some woman who might've been a lawyer was really into him and they solved crimes and shit? Yeah? Well, you look like Vincent the beast. And the make up isn't fooling anyone you know. You can't polish a turd Jamila. You'd probably make a good crime fighter though, just saying.

I guess we can be friends anyway, i'm not racist or owt. Bummer about your folks though eh? How did they die, was it in spectacular fashion like the guys burst through the door and everything went in slow motion as you all tried to dive for cover but NO daddy leaps for one of the baddies and grasps the gun with both hands, his contorted face screaming (in slow motion remember) "Jammiiiiiillllllaaaaaaa, geeeeettttt ouuuuuuuuutttt" but then the other baddie spins round and 'BLAM BLAM BLAM' 3 shots to the dome piece and daddy's down! Mummy's crying now and turning to flee but then KABOOM she gets a slo-mo grenade rammed up her bottom and she explodes in a shower of maternal guts!! Or did they both just get shot up quick time and then fall in an undignified heap before shitting in their pants? Whatever, i don't really care to be honest.

Right enough about you, let's talk about me!
My Likes: people with dead parents, preferably ones that have been murdered in a cold blood (looks like you're in luck Jamila!); pictures of cartoon rabbits (but not Bugs Bunny, he's too much of a smug prick); line dancing with quadraplegics; anything to do with soup production.
My Dislikes: the strange flap of skin that hangs off my left ankle, it's like a floppy 5th limb except i can't do owt with it or use it in any way. It just sits there getting in the way of my socks and preventing me from wearing strappy heels. Total bummer; the Bee Gees (not many left now though hahahaha! It's game over Gibbs!!! Game over!!!); people who say "not three bad" when asked "how are you doing". Awful and unnecessary.

Might i finally add that i'm definitely NOT 'understanding', 'loyal', 'sincere', 'truthfully', 'kindly' or 'friendly' but i am ABSOLUTELY a 'man of vision'! I totally have two eyes and they can see things and shit so i'm good on that score. 1 out of 7 isn't too bad is it?

Look forward to hearing from you Jamila! And next time can i have a picture of you next to a crippled tramp and holding up a sign that says "i'm with stupid"? Please? Super!


Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Optical Express

Initial Message:

Subject: Win Laser Eye Treatment - Freedom from Glasses & Contacts
From: contact-74648@chinchillafrugal.com
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2012 09:49:45 -0800
Click For Offer Images and Details


Hello Vision Wizards,

I've been receiving emails off you for a while now and my curiosity/bizarre sexual urges (don't ask) have got the better of me and I am compelled to reply to find out what 'the score' is. Please take the time to answer my questions, and if you could 'think' the answers in your best Norwegian accent as you write them that would be delightful thank you.

First question (isn't this exciting?!): Regarding your laser eye treatment, is it magic done by goblins? I've not got a problem with fantasy creatures per se, but goblins?? They've got small fingers, they're allergic to plastic, they don't know the difference between noodles and spaghetti, and I've heard they eat lesbians! I mean, I'm not racist or anything I just don't like them. So if its magic goblins then I'm afraid it is a resolute "NO"!

Second question: I'd really really like some of that x-ray vision like what Superman has got. Now don't get me wrong I'm not interested in looking at ladies pants through their dresses like that smug mutant weirdo alien freak. Oh no, my interest is much more important to humanity (although when it comes to sneaky pant viewing I'd never say 'never'. It's just not a priority ya know?). I need x-ray vision (and note the key word here in 'need' not 'want') because I've invented a device which is able to measure the exact length of a persons shit before it exits the anus, an 'inter-bowel' measurement which until now has been inconceivable! Yes, you're absolutely right it IS revolutionary. I'm a genius you say? Oh, you! It's not for me to say, but thank you that's ever so kind.
Now unfortunately this invention cannot go 'to market' without proper testing, hence the NEED for x-ray vision. I need to see that the measurements are accurate by looking inside the actual shit pipe of a human person. So x-ray vision is a must, the question is can you provide it????!

Third question: I'd rather like the lasers that you use to make a 'ptchew ptchew' sound when you fire them into my eyes so that I can pretend I'm Dirk Benedicts character in the old Battlestar Gallactica tv show. I've tried pretending to the sound of lasers off Star Wars and the like but they make a sound that goes 'ptcheoow ptcheoow' which is quite different to a trained sci-fi ear such as mine. It's just not the same. Please tell me your lasers make this sound otherwise I might just have to come round and piss in your bath.

Thank you for your time.