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On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Optical Express

Initial Message:

Subject: Win Laser Eye Treatment - Freedom from Glasses & Contacts
From: contact-74648@chinchillafrugal.com
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2012 09:49:45 -0800
Click For Offer Images and Details


Hello Vision Wizards,

I've been receiving emails off you for a while now and my curiosity/bizarre sexual urges (don't ask) have got the better of me and I am compelled to reply to find out what 'the score' is. Please take the time to answer my questions, and if you could 'think' the answers in your best Norwegian accent as you write them that would be delightful thank you.

First question (isn't this exciting?!): Regarding your laser eye treatment, is it magic done by goblins? I've not got a problem with fantasy creatures per se, but goblins?? They've got small fingers, they're allergic to plastic, they don't know the difference between noodles and spaghetti, and I've heard they eat lesbians! I mean, I'm not racist or anything I just don't like them. So if its magic goblins then I'm afraid it is a resolute "NO"!

Second question: I'd really really like some of that x-ray vision like what Superman has got. Now don't get me wrong I'm not interested in looking at ladies pants through their dresses like that smug mutant weirdo alien freak. Oh no, my interest is much more important to humanity (although when it comes to sneaky pant viewing I'd never say 'never'. It's just not a priority ya know?). I need x-ray vision (and note the key word here in 'need' not 'want') because I've invented a device which is able to measure the exact length of a persons shit before it exits the anus, an 'inter-bowel' measurement which until now has been inconceivable! Yes, you're absolutely right it IS revolutionary. I'm a genius you say? Oh, you! It's not for me to say, but thank you that's ever so kind.
Now unfortunately this invention cannot go 'to market' without proper testing, hence the NEED for x-ray vision. I need to see that the measurements are accurate by looking inside the actual shit pipe of a human person. So x-ray vision is a must, the question is can you provide it????!

Third question: I'd rather like the lasers that you use to make a 'ptchew ptchew' sound when you fire them into my eyes so that I can pretend I'm Dirk Benedicts character in the old Battlestar Gallactica tv show. I've tried pretending to the sound of lasers off Star Wars and the like but they make a sound that goes 'ptcheoow ptcheoow' which is quite different to a trained sci-fi ear such as mine. It's just not the same. Please tell me your lasers make this sound otherwise I might just have to come round and piss in your bath.

Thank you for your time.




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