About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Friday, 10 August 2012


Initial Message:

From: software_innovations5@jinxtea.com
Subject: I might be insane for doing this
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Date: Thu, 9 Aug 2012 11:32:08 -0400

Okay, everyone is telling me that I'm an insane millionaire who must have gone absolutely crazy for doing this today, but I don't care anymore because I think it's just the right thing to do.
First off, thank you so much for taking a minute to read this, my name is Tim Bekker, and I'm a millionaire that was dared to do something insane today, and if you're interested in knowing what it is then read below, but you'll need to hurry because you may only have a few minutes to take advantage of this:

As part of an insane marketing test, I'm giving away an in-depth Internet "Money Training Package" to some interested people today. I should be selling this for $97, but...I'm flat out going to give it to you. Your cost is zero... zip... zilch!
Press here before I have no more to give out:

You probably think I've lost my mind - and maybe I have - but just visit this site right now and in 5 minutes you'll have this awesome $97 Internet business training kit as my gift to you. No kidding!
Press here to Grab it quick - right now - before I change my mind...:

Why am I giving this away?
I finally got so sick and tired of watching fakers and bigmouths sell wrong information about how to make a fortune online... that I've decided give away my awesome Internet Money Training Package so I can help people finally get the truth!
See... I've made a fortune online and I've helped many people unlock the secrets to getting started online - the right way.

Press here to Grab it quick - right now - before I change my mind...:

Now, I'm giving away my $97 Internet Money Training Packageso you can get the inside secrets about how to make your own Internet fortune.
But you must grab this right now!

Press here before they are all gone:

Thank you so much for your time!

Tim Bekker


Hey Tim! Tim Tim Tim Tim TIM! Calm down love. Catch your breath. It's ok, no one is going to hurt you, i'm here to help. That's right love just put the keyboard down slowly, that's it well done. Sit down, let's just sit down over here and have a chat. Do you like coffee Tim? Would you like a nice cup of coffee Tim? Ok i'll get that sorted for you, you just sit here and i'll make us both a nice coffee and then we'll have a chat ok my love?

Right here you are.....CAREFUL it's still quite hot. Tell you what why don't i pop it down here on the floor and we'll have it in a minute when it's cooled down a bit, is that ok? Ok, just relax Tim you're going to be fine. No, they're not going to take you away, no no it's fine love the men are just there in case you pick up the keyboard again that's all, but we're just having a chat aren't we Tim? We're not thinking about typing emails at the moment are we? No, that's good. No no don't worry, i'm not going to click the link, it's ok i understand, i know Tim i know you were just thinking it might be nice to share the link with somebody new weren't you? Yes i know love, it's absolutely fine don't worry about it now, it's in the past isn't it? It's ok just relax.

Tim. Tim. TIM, wait Tim there's no need for that is there? TIM! PUT DOWN THE KEYBOARD! TIM, PUT IT DOWN, Tim! That's it, put it back on the floor, no more typing today ok? That's right no more typing today, ok breathe, that's it just breathe, deep breaths Tim that's it. No you're not insane Tim, nobody is calling you that are they? Those men aren't saying it, i'm not saying it, it's ok Tim nobody thinks you're insane, you're not smearing shit all over the walls or pretending this sofa is a giraffe are you? You're not walking round with fuck all on hitting yourself with a plastic fish are you? Or laying down humping the floor in the middle of Tescos? Or asking passers by if they can see your 'naughty bottom'.

It's ok Tim. Just relax. Are you ready to stand up? Are you ready to go back inside? Ok let's go back inside and carry on with what you were doing before. No more emails today Tim that's right. No it's fine love, nobody thinks that of you. Of course we all like you, don't we all like Tim everyone? You see, everyone likes Tim, you've got lots of friends and family that love and care for you. It's ok Tim, that's it in you go. Well done Tim, well done, you see you're fine now aren't you? Well done Tim.

See you later Tim, yes that's right i'll see you tomorrow i'll be back in the morning. See you Tim, take care.

You fucking lunatic.

Monday, 6 August 2012


Initial message:

From: seevegan@transedge.com
Subject: jollies
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Date: Mon, 6 Aug 2012 09:59:25 +0200

Hi dear!

No matter where you are right now, I know that you will come here to find me www.brenda.in I will recognize you immediately because you will be like a sweet forest of pleasant ladies and whispering branches a?? where people wander on and on in its playing shadows they know not how far a?? and when they come near the centre of it, it is all cold and impenetrable a?? and when they would fain turn, - they are hedged with briars and thorns and cannot escape. I know the same way you will conquer my heart one day and I will be always next to you.

send me a message


Oh Vyka!

What a blessing that you contact me now in my hour of need! You're like an angel that has descended from the sky on a porpoise wearing a party hat and shouting like a drunken tramp "yer me bezzt mayte, ffuckin serious now mayte honest ya know i wunt fffuckin lie to yer i ffucking love yer man". Welcome my angel! Welcome into my needy bosom, all greased up with chip fat and covered in feathers.

I done prayed to the god of biscuits to send me a lady 'mental' to ease the burden of my problematic existence and here you are my dear, sashaying into my inbox like a belly dancer with parkinsons disease. My problem is this: i live in a commune for ex-wrestlers off the Dorset coast and, if you're familiar with wrestlers (which, let's face it, any insane person should be) then you'll know of the trauma they face away from the ring after they retire. For years they are harangued by middle aged, plump, delusional, unusually-bearded, socially inept idiots who can't distinguish between cartoonish one-dimensional stereotypical personas adopted for the purposes of entertainment, and 'real life'. And suddenly it all stops. When they walk to the shops there's no theatrical "boo hiss" and gnashing of teeth from passers-by. No chants of 'U...S...A...!!" following a pathetic slap/stumble combo. Imagine marching on the spot with a look of righteous indignation on your face but with no rousing "whooping" from the crowd to back it up, or slowly peeling off an elbow guard before performing a ridiculously elaborate 'dance' around a man in dungarees with no "ooohs" or "ahhhhs" as you softly pat him on the chest. It's proper fucking tragic, yo.

So what i need from you Vyka is to pop round maybe twice a week to begin with and perform 'crowd duty' for these poor unfortunate wrestlers. A little "gerroff'im" here, a bit of "lick his goddamn cock and balls to pieces!!!!" there, maybe a spot of grimacing as one of them is gently caressed on the back with a plastic chair. That sort of thing. Wages are negotiable and we have an endless supply of biscuits too.

Send me a message (and a picture of you with a barbie doll up your arse wouldn't go amiss either),

Friday, 3 August 2012


Initial Message:

Subject: 100's of Jobs are Available. Great Pay and Guaranteed Miles!
From: 77ZVPXFU67968MUA159@playevade.com
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2012 18:42:47 -0700


Dear Truckers

Well this is just uncanny! An email asking if I’d like a career in trucking! And guess what! I would like a career in trucking! Yes! Jackpot! Banzai! Bonanza! Bonus! Not bogus! Banana! Botulism! Bollocks.
Seriously though while I hadn’t been thinking of a ‘career’ in trucking as such I had been thinking of trying my hand at rape and murder so trucking seems like a good way to facilitate that, hence why I am writing to you. As ‘trucky’ people I was hoping you might be able to give me a few pointers regarding the whole rape and murder thing. I mean you guys are the best at this right? Trucking from town to town: the perfect cover for picking up 'sluts', dressing them up as your severely disabled Auntie, locking them in a box for a few weeks and playing an elaborate version of Yahtzee where the different combinations equate to different rapey acts (3 sixes?? Stick it in the ears of deaf bitches! 2 fives and a one? waterboarding but but with cum!).
How do you ‘get started’ exactly? I must confess I’m a bit naive, I’m certainly no Jeffrey Dahmer or Ed Gein so if you wouldn’t mind answering a few questions on the whole rape/murder protocol I’d be very grateful, as will my future victims I’m sure. There’s got to be nothing worse than an inexperienced rapist murderer right? Haha! All fingers and thumbs, clumsily stumbling through the process with no finesse, a cock misplaced here, a sloppy knife slash there, that’s no way to get your name in the papers! 

What should I begin with? I was thinking tramps. You know, stab up a homeless no-one’s going to miss ‘em right? But they do smell, and I’m not keen on raping a tramp. Kind of misses the point I feel. I suppose I could kill a tramp then move on to pretty girls for the raping but I was hoping to combine the two activities (my dad was a ‘time and motion’ analyst and he’d go bonkers if he knew I wasn’t multi-tasking!). What would you recommend?
Also, what’s the etiquette on this? Rape then murder or murder then rape? I can see the pros and cons of each but I wondered if there was some unwritten rule in the trucking community as to which you should do first. I wouldn’t want to upset my fellow truckers by getting this fundamental aspect of the process wrong!

Location, Location, Location:
Back of the truck? In the trailer? I suppose this seems like an obvious choice but wouldn’t your ‘load’ get in the way of you delivering your ‘load’? It would offer some possibilities for inventive use of props, like lining up beer bottles and rolling the victim up and down the length of the trailer on them to bash their head in on the doors (time consuming but fun! And the victim feels like they’re on a fairground ride! I wouldn’t want them to get bored). Or maybe using wooden panelling to fashion a giant vagina then shoving the rapee in and out while I, the raper, raped. Sort of like a double rape, rape squared, that way the rapee would feel empathy with my actions! (How about that, me a considerate rapist! Oxymoronic as fuck).
Motel rooms are right out I suppose? Convenient but very messy I would imagine, or is it like in films where some motels are in on the deal and have cameras set up and shit? Could you let me know the address of some of these murder/rape stopovers please? I won’t tell the pigs, honest.

Body Disposal:
I’m guessing rivers are a good bet? But what if I’m nowhere near a river? I’m not much of a gardener so digging would be a bit of a chore to be honest. Again is there any etiquette I should be following? Is there like a trucker dead hooker graveyard somewhere, kind of like the elephant graveyards of Africa only not surrounded by morose fucking elephants swishing their dumb-ass trunks about in the dirt wailing like bloody banshees GET OVER IT YOU PATHETIC PACHYDERMS! They’re dead let’s move on shall we?!!!!! Ok so maybe not mass graves. The woods then! Yes, the woods! Buried in amongst the ripped up pages of porn mags and used johnnies and sheets of corrugated iron that mysteriously appear from nowhere. Where would you recommend?
I’m sorry if I’ve asked a lot of questions, I would hate to take up too much of your valuable time which could be spent balls deep in a dead whore, but if you could provide answers to these crucial queries I would be most grateful.

Many thanks rapeykiller truck peeps,
Niesche xxx