Subject: 100's of Jobs are Available. Great Pay and Guaranteed Miles!
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2012 18:42:47 -0700
Well this is just uncanny! An email asking if I’d like a career in trucking! And guess what! I would like a career in trucking! Yes! Jackpot! Banzai! Bonanza! Bonus! Not bogus! Banana! Botulism! Bollocks.
Seriously though while I hadn’t been thinking of a ‘career’ in trucking as such I had been thinking of trying my hand at rape and murder so trucking seems like a good way to facilitate that, hence why I am writing to you. As ‘trucky’ people I was hoping you might be able to give me a few pointers regarding the whole rape and murder thing. I mean you guys are the best at this right? Trucking from town to town: the perfect cover for picking up 'sluts', dressing them up as your severely disabled Auntie, locking them in a box for a few weeks and playing an elaborate version of Yahtzee where the different combinations equate to different rapey acts (3 sixes?? Stick it in the ears of deaf bitches! 2 fives and a one? waterboarding but but with cum!).
How do you ‘get started’ exactly? I must confess I’m a bit naive, I’m certainly no Jeffrey Dahmer or Ed Gein so if you wouldn’t mind answering a few questions on the whole rape/murder protocol I’d be very grateful, as will my future victims I’m sure. There’s got to be nothing worse than an inexperienced rapist murderer right? Haha! All fingers and thumbs, clumsily stumbling through the process with no finesse, a cock misplaced here, a sloppy knife slash there, that’s no way to get your name in the papers!
What should I begin with? I was thinking tramps. You know, stab up a homeless no-one’s going to miss ‘em right? But they do smell, and I’m not keen on raping a tramp. Kind of misses the point I feel. I suppose I could kill a tramp then move on to pretty girls for the raping but I was hoping to combine the two activities (my dad was a ‘time and motion’ analyst and he’d go bonkers if he knew I wasn’t multi-tasking!). What would you recommend?
Also, what’s the etiquette on this? Rape then murder or murder then rape? I can see the pros and cons of each but I wondered if there was some unwritten rule in the trucking community as to which you should do first. I wouldn’t want to upset my fellow truckers by getting this fundamental aspect of the process wrong!
Location, Location, Location:
Back of the truck? In the trailer? I suppose this seems like an obvious choice but wouldn’t your ‘load’ get in the way of you delivering your ‘load’? It would offer some possibilities for inventive use of props, like lining up beer bottles and rolling the victim up and down the length of the trailer on them to bash their head in on the doors (time consuming but fun! And the victim feels like they’re on a fairground ride! I wouldn’t want them to get bored). Or maybe using wooden panelling to fashion a giant vagina then shoving the rapee in and out while I, the raper, raped. Sort of like a double rape, rape squared, that way the rapee would feel empathy with my actions! (How about that, me a considerate rapist! Oxymoronic as fuck).
Motel rooms are right out I suppose? Convenient but very messy I would imagine, or is it like in films where some motels are in on the deal and have cameras set up and shit? Could you let me know the address of some of these murder/rape stopovers please? I won’t tell the pigs, honest.
I’m guessing rivers are a good bet? But what if I’m nowhere near a river? I’m not much of a gardener so digging would be a bit of a chore to be honest. Again is there any etiquette I should be following? Is there like a trucker dead hooker graveyard somewhere, kind of like the elephant graveyards of Africa only not surrounded by morose fucking elephants swishing their dumb-ass trunks about in the dirt wailing like bloody banshees GET OVER IT YOU PATHETIC PACHYDERMS! They’re dead let’s move on shall we?!!!!! Ok so maybe not mass graves. The woods then! Yes, the woods! Buried in amongst the ripped up pages of porn mags and used johnnies and sheets of corrugated iron that mysteriously appear from nowhere. Where would you recommend?
I’m sorry if I’ve asked a lot of questions, I would hate to take up too much of your valuable time which could be spent balls deep in a dead whore, but if you could provide answers to these crucial queries I would be most grateful.
Many thanks rapeykiller truck peeps,