|The whole world will stop so I can tell you from the top of the highest mountain that I am deeply and passionately in love with you. I'm sending you an eCard so you'll realize how extraordinary you are to me. Retrieve your ecard here|
|Saved:||10 July 2012 14:50:01|
Hey nonny nonny Georgia!
After reading your declaration of passionate and deep love for me i think it's totally safe to assume we're now like husband and wife yes? (you are a woman aren't you?? Sorry to ask it's just that my friend Rufus once had a parakeet called Georgia and while ours was only a brief inter-species fling i am still scarred by the discovery of 'Georgias' tiny post-op cock and balls in a yoghurt pot at the back of the fridge. You can imagine my face can't you? I made a noise like this: "eeeeyyyyuuuurrch-ch-ch-ch-eeeeeoogh-phew and then spat an entire mouthful of sputum on the floor). Sorry, i'm getting side-tracked. Seeing as we're now, like, husband and wife i think we ought to lay down some ground rules for our relationship. Sort of like a pre-nup like what celebrities have only without the clause that forbids you to talk of my gayness (like the one Tom Cruise has). Oh, and i have a bone to pick with you too: what's all this about you thinking i'm 'extraordinary'. What the fucking fuck? So, i'm not just 'ordinary' i'm EXTRA-ordinary, like far more 'ordinary' than the next guy, i'm like ordinary+, ordinary 2.0. It's like being called 'extrashit' or being labelled an 'extrawanker'. Right, here are my rules:
Rule number 1. (Hey how about i write these in bible-speak? That'll sound dramatic and authoritarian!) Rule number 1. Thou shalt not feed me biscuits on a Wednesday. Or else.
Rule number 2. Thou shalt treat every request to fetch something for me as a competitive race where you have to beat me to said item. Hair pulling, tit grabbing, ankle wanking and eye licking are all legal moves. If you lose you have to cry real tears while i get to shit on your face. If i lose, actually scrap that I NEVER LOSE!!!!!
Rule number 3. Thou shalt make it your lifes mission to find me the answer to the following question: That song, 'The Twist' by Chubby Checker, was it ghost-written by Jeremy Beadle? The bit where he says "Take-me-by-my-little-hand" got me wondering.
Rule number 4. Thou shalt not have any more periods. Shove a cork in it or something you dirty witch.
That will do for now i think. If any more occur to me i'll let you know. Looking forward to you moving into my shed with me and my 23 cats real soon!
Love, kisses, gentle slaps on the back of the head, a little bit of facial weeing but not too much i'm not that into it, and a large helping of mustard bukkake,