Claims £inancial

Initial Message:

Claims £inancial

Notice for Nick,

We have identified you as a potential high-risk claimant that may be entitled to compensation. Claims Financial is a market-leader in claim handling for mis-sold Payment Protection Insurance
If you've taken out a loan or a credit card in the last ten years, then it's likely you are among the millions who are owed refunds.
Start your claim with our 60 second form
It's easy to make a claim, and you could receive a refund worth £1000's
High street banks have been mis-selling payment protection insurance for years. After action by the Financial Services Authority, the banks are being forced to pay compensation.
Click Here for refund information

• No win, no fee claim settlements
• No upfront cost
• Financial claim & consumer justice experts
• Professional, personal service
• Regulated by the Ministry of Justice

An estimated £8 billion is owed to customers that may have been mis-sold payment protection insurance (PPI) and don't even realise it. Know your rights.
Am I eligible?

Reply:

Dear Claims £inancial (how does that even work by the way?? Do you answer the phone with "Hello, Claims Poundsign-inancial how can we help you"??? It reminds me of a sandwich shop near my house called 'Mr £andwich'. They sells sarnies for a quid! They probably think it's really clever putting a pound sign in front of 'sandwich', i find it just complicates matters. How do they introduce the company? "Hi i'm the CEO of Mr Pound-andwich, we sell sarnies for a quid don't you know, hence the pound sign in front of our name"? If they just say "Hi i'm the CEO of Mr. Sandwich" that misses the selling point of 'sarnies for a quid' and makes them sound unimaginative and bland. Why give your company a name that you can't even pronounce without sounding like a complete tool? What's the solution? I have no idea!!!!!! Hahahahahahahahaha).

Anyhoo, i read your recent email regarding PPI claims (Perpetual Primrose Imbalance? Perfect Penguin Igloo?? Preposterous, Pathetic Idiocy???) and i am slightly concerned with your assessment of me as 'a potential high-risk claimant'! What on earth does this mean?? I certainly don't feel 'high risk', i mean i have taken the odd chance in my life but generally i'm quite a shy bloke who tends to go for the safe option. They don't call me 'Boring-Safety-First-Nevertakesanyriskstwat-Nick for nothing you know. Granted there was that one time when i went out without a coat in March last year but i wasn't gone long and the weather forecast did say with a fair bit of confidence that it probably wouldn't rain. Slightly risky, but possibly a long way from 'high-risk' 'non'? (that's French by the way, not a typo. I'm not French although if i had super powers i'd choose the ability to become French for brief periods. Not the most useful super power i know but it would certainly come in useful in cases where one would be required to become French for brief periods. When being racist for example). As for me being 'risky' though, i feel you've got the wrong guy.

No matter. I am writing to you not to establish my risk-averse nature, but primarily because i have a proposition for you! May i first say how very kind it was of you to think of me when dishing out compensation, it really is most thoughtful! I feel honoured that you have chosen me for this special treatment! I will however have to decline as i have not been 'mis-sold' PPI ever, in fact the concept of 'mis-selling' baffles me somewhat. What does 'mis-selling' involve exactly? Is it like they advertise sex pheromone spray then instead send you insurance by mistake? Not that i've ever bought sex pheromone spray i might add. If i need sex pheromones i just get my neighbours dog to piss in my face, it's a lot cheaper (and surprisingly more pleasant!).

So, onto my proposition: I have identified you as a potential high-risk nuisance that may be entitled to mildly abusive, not-really-that-funny emails from me on a regular basis! If you keep sending me bullshit offers of compensation for things i have never been involved with then it's likely that i'll continue to send you bullshit emails filled with nonsensical rants and meaningless asides! Deal? Or no deal? Or how about we just kill Noel fucking Edmonds?

Peace out,

Nick.

Christian Mingle

Initial Message to ChristianMingle.com, a Christian dating site (sent by me, for some reason i've lost the original spam from them).

Dear Christians,

I write to you with confusion in my brain and a slight feeling of nausea in my elbows (can you even get nausea in your elbows?? It would appear so).

Please allow me the liberty of relating a short story:
So there i was, sitting at my computer checking my emails while trying to eat a bagel without thinking of the word 'Jew' (still haven't managed it). All of a sudden, rampaging into my inbox came a glorious message of potential love and fulfilment from your good selves. 'MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES' it screamed with boundless, albeit slightly patronising, enthusiasm! I felt like god himself had slapped me in the face with a holy mackerel! Although without the smell of fish to confirm it this remains a whimsical abstraction.

Now, as you have my email address and you are regularly and confidently screaming at me to 'MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES!' it seems you must be a personal friend of mine (one i've obviously overlooked and neglected, sorry about that! Can we still be friends? Of course we can! Jesus would be totally down with that). This is where the confusion begins in my brain space. As my close personal friend you must be aware that i am actually a happily married satanist whose hobbies include: stopping up past my bedtime (!); drinking straight from the milk bottles in the fridge (!!); putting my elbows on the table when i eat (!!!); and using parmesan cheese as a facial scrub (!!!!). As hobbies go i'm pretty un-christian as you can see.

Now, some of your members may indeed be interested in discussing the theological implications of inappropriate cheese use, or how satanism is completely misunderstood and is actually a wonderful, beautiful, lovely philosophical stance that is easily reconciled with the many conundrums of modern life, (unlike christianity which is, at best, a confusing mess of enforced decency and contradictory emotional concepts). However, knowing several christians i feel this is unlikely.

So in summary: stop sending me emails, i'm pretty much the opposite of a 'christian single'. You're totally barking up the wrong tree.

Peace,
Nick x

They Replied!

Hi Nick,


Thank you for your message and I apologize for the hassle. Your email address has been added to our do not email list. Please allow 10 business days for this change to fully cancel all messages affiliated with our service. I appreciate the tone of your message as well. I really needed a laugh! I wish you all the best.

Regards,

Cara
Lovely Christians, how novel!

'Mude'

Initial Message:

From: m.ude88@msn.com
 To: ..
 Date: Fri, 4 May 2012 05:47:58 +0200
 Subject: Please i need your help,

 Please i need your help,

  Dear friend

 I am Mude Rashid by name I from Niger Republic, A friend of mine promise me that He will take me to Europe where He is, due to He has see my situation in Niger, my Education was stopped and no hand-work then He now decided to take me to Europe to continue my Education and the Europe He promise me is Burkina-Faso I ask Him to do what here? He answer and said 149, I said to Him please I we not do it and I decide to go back to Niger where I come from He said I will go back whit my own money and I have no money whit me, that is why I contact you for help, please I want to go back, I do not want to do the 419 in my life please help me to go back my country, I distop you because my parent Is late I could have called to home please, any amount you wish God will reword you not me.

  A 22 yrs old boy like me doing 419 is not good, please for my life sake save me.

 Thanks And God Bless

  Mude Rashid.

Reply:

Hi there Mude Dog!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What's popping honkey? I read of your plight with a sad face and fingers crossed behind my back. What gives with your nasty friend huh???!!!! Education stopped and no hand-work! (Are you a wanker??). What a tragic episode! I notice that you refer to your friend as 'He' with a capital 'H'. Is your friend God Mude?????? I can't believe your friends with actual God! And now i'm friends with you who is friends with God!! Does that make me like Peter the apostle or something? Do me a favour, i know 'He' is probs very busy but if you remember next time you see 'Him' could you ask him to have a look at my auntie Lily's rectal prolapse? It's bothering her something terrible and she's even got the stage where she can't watch Deal or no deal with Noel Edmonds anymore 'cos each time she sits down to watch the pain in unbearable and she has come to make a false association between the pain and Noel's unnaturally groomed beard! Every time she glimpses Noel's beard now? Agony!! Totes tragic! So, if 'He' could like miracle it away or something that would be super thanks!

'He' sounds a bit of a cunt though to be honest. Taking you to Burkina Faso and not Europe! Ugh! What a cad! And he's made you do the 149 (or 419, which is it Mude make your fucking mind up hahahahahahaha!). And what is the 149 pray tell? A group of 419 (see, now i'm doing it hahahahahaha!) hardy ninjas in lace outfits who never speak and only communicate through the medium of dance?? Or is it perhaps a 'code' for doing nasty things to you with a courgette and a waffle iron?
But wait! You say God will reward me for helping you out? But God is the friend that got you in this mess in the first place, yes?? I'm confused Mude, do you think your 'friend' might be fucking with you a little? If so how very exciting!! It's like a sinister game show, 'send money or Mude gets twatted'! Well, as much as i'd love to save your candy-ass i'm far more intrigued by the prospect of finding out what the '149' is so i choose not to send you money. Can't wait to see how this pans out! Hope God doesn't 149 you too much!

Looking forward to the next installment!

Peace brotherman!
Niesche.

'Missy'

Initial Message:

Date: Mon, 4 Jul 2011 01:21:12 +0800
From: misscynthiamusa01@gmail.com
Subject: Dear Beloved One
To:

Dearest, I know this mail will come to you as a surprise since we haven't known or come across each other before considering the fact that I sourced your email contact through the Internet in search of trusted person who can assist me. I am Cynthia Musa Jammeh 24 years old female from the Republic of Gambia, the Daughter of Late Major Musa Jammeh. My late father was Principal Protection Officer to President Yahya Jammeh. He died on the 19 Nov 2007 at the Royal Victoria Teaching Hospital following an illness at Sukuta Village, Kombo North Gambia. You can read more about my father in the link below. http://www.gambianow.com/news/News/Gambia-News-Major-Musa-Jammeh-Passes-Away.html I am constrained to contact you because of the maltreatment which I am receiving from my step mother. She planned to take away all my late father's treasury and properties from me since the unexpected death of my beloved Father. Meanwhile I wanted to travel to Europe, but she hide away my international passport and other valuable documents. Luckily she did not discover where I kept my father's File which contained important documents. Now I am presently staying in the Mission Refugee camp in Burkina Faso. I am seeking for long term relationship and investment assistance. My father of blessed memory deposited the sum of US$ 7.5 Million in one bank in Burkina Faso with my name as the next of kin. I had contacted the Bank to clear the deposit but the Branch Manager told me that being a refugee, my status according to the local law does not authorize me to carry out the operation. However, he advised me to provide a trustee who will stand on my behalf. I had wanted to inform my stepmother about this deposit but I am afraid that she will not offer me anything after the release of the money. Therefore, I decide to seek for your help in transferring the money into your bank account while I will relocate to your country and settle down with you. As you indicated your interest to help me I will give you the account number and the contact of the bank where my late beloved father deposited the money with my name as the next of kin. It is my intention to compensate you with 20% of the total money for your assistance and the balance shall be my investment in any profitable venture which you will recommend to me as have no any idea about foreign investment. Please all communications should be through email for confidential purposes. Thanking you a lot in anticipation of your quick response. I will give you details in my next mail after receiving your acceptance mail to help me. Yours sincerely Miss Cynthia Musa Jammeh

 

Reply:

 

Howdy Cynthia!

I'm dreadfully sorry to hear about your dead dad, what a bummer eh? Although for all i know he might've been a bit of a cunt so maybe we should be celebrating?? Either way it's lovely to hear from you! Your mail did come as a complete surprise yes! I've never had such a correspondance before, how lucky i feel to have been chosen out of all the people on all the internets throughout the world to be the benefiaciary of this truly once in a lifetime experience! However i had another 'once in a lifetime' experience last month which involved a dwarf trying to magnetise my nipples and quite frankly Cynthia that was utterly horrendous. I ended up killing the small man by garroting him with slivers of mouse skin tied together to make a long rope and now i'm up on a charge of dwarf bothering which i could really do without! Hmmpf! I'm absolutely positive that your 'once in a lifetime' opportunity will not turn out anywhere near as horribly as the dwarf incident though.

When i first read your email i shitted in my pants i was that honoured!!! Then i read it again but only had a medium sized wee in my pants as the excitement had subsided a little. By the fifth time of reading i was so totally covered in piss and shit and vomit i looked like Michael Barrymore's grotty fist! No matter i told myself, Cynthia is obviously a woman of great integrity and honour and she won't mind at all if i smell like a tramps balls on a hot day when she finally comes over to 'settle down' with me.

But anyway, on to business!! Before we commence the completely 'risk free' transfer of all your money into my bank i have a small request: in order to furnish you with my details i require a photograph of you wearing a Roman Centurians helmet whilst holding a sign saying 'I have a naughty tuppence'. Only then can we do the business.

Yours sincerely,
Niesche.