Initial Message to ChristianMingle.com, a Christian dating site (sent by me, for some reason i've lost the original spam from them).
I write to you with confusion in my brain and a slight feeling of nausea in my elbows (can you even get nausea in your elbows?? It would appear so).
Please allow me the liberty of relating a short story:
So there i was, sitting at my computer checking my emails while trying to eat a bagel without thinking of the word 'Jew' (still haven't managed it). All of a sudden, rampaging into my inbox came a glorious message of potential love and fulfilment from your good selves. 'MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES' it screamed with boundless, albeit slightly patronising, enthusiasm! I felt like god himself had slapped me in the face with a holy mackerel! Although without the smell of fish to confirm it this remains a whimsical abstraction.
Now, as you have my email address and you are regularly and confidently screaming at me to 'MEET CHRISTIAN SINGLES!' it seems you must be a personal friend of mine (one i've obviously overlooked and neglected, sorry about that! Can we still be friends? Of course we can! Jesus would be totally down with that). This is where the confusion begins in my brain space. As my close personal friend you must be aware that i am actually a happily married satanist whose hobbies include: stopping up past my bedtime (!); drinking straight from the milk bottles in the fridge (!!); putting my elbows on the table when i eat (!!!); and using parmesan cheese as a facial scrub (!!!!). As hobbies go i'm pretty un-christian as you can see.
Now, some of your members may indeed be interested in discussing the theological implications of inappropriate cheese use, or how satanism is completely misunderstood and is actually a wonderful, beautiful, lovely philosophical stance that is easily reconciled with the many conundrums of modern life, (unlike christianity which is, at best, a confusing mess of enforced decency and contradictory emotional concepts). However, knowing several christians i feel this is unlikely.
So in summary: stop sending me emails, i'm pretty much the opposite of a 'christian single'. You're totally barking up the wrong tree.
Thank you for your message and I apologize for the hassle. Your email address has been added to our do not email list. Please allow 10 business days for this change to fully cancel all messages affiliated with our service. I appreciate the tone of your message as well. I really needed a laugh! I wish you all the best.
Lovely Christians, how novel!