About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Monday, 19 August 2013


Dear people of starbuckes,

I've been visiting one of your coffee dispensaries on the regular for the past few months and have found myself suddenly possessed by the powerful yet strange urge to email you. The only other emotive experience i can liken this urge to is the feelings of sickly unease one gets when cooking eggs at an inappropriate time of the day (say around 1:45pm which is way beyond the normally accepted boundries for taking luncheon). What are the constituent parts of this urge i hear you mumble? Well people of storbeckss, throughout my visits to your ball-achingly smug 'cafe' i have been struck by several "phenomenally wonderful" (not my words sturbocks, the words of the late Dustin Gee no less!) ideas relating to improving the general ambience of your greeny-brown 'looks-similar-to-mcdonalds-but-with-marginally-better-food' establishments.

Firstly i propose a solution to that age old coffee shop problem of what i like to call 'smug laptop twats'. You know the sort, sitting there going "oooh look at me look at me, i'm so hip and important and my 'work' is so special that i even have to tap away on my macbook vagina while sipping a latte, i don't have time to take 'breaks' oh no this spreadsheet detailing all the spreadsheets i've wasted time on over the last year is far too important" when we all know that what they're actually doing is what we all do when we have free time in front of a computer: staring at a blank google homepage trying desperately to think of something interesting to look at that we can then post on facebook later to satisfy our daily 'like' addiction.

Now obviously we can't go around smearing our own feaces onto their laptop screens and pissing in their coffee, and let's face it we've ALL thought about doing that haven't we stirbricks? No, that would be uncouth. So instead i suggest the widespread construction and implementation of 'twat screens' that can be placed around the offending dickheads so they can pretend to work in peace and we don't have to suffer the unhealthy yellow glow of smugness emanating from their every pore. You could even put pictures of bees or daddy longlegsses on one side so we could all imagine we were frolicking in a summer meadow instead of having our peripheral vision filled with overly-serious wankers with ridiculously neat beards.

Secondly, i have always found the taboo nature of toilet visits upsetting and as stickshits is a forward thinking company i wanted to offer you the opportuninty to be the first to embrace my new concept of 'open-toileting'. As your toilets are always in full view of the 'shop-floor' so to speak there is no avoiding the awkwardness that manifests whenever one of your party decides it is time to ablute. As soon as they leave the table the internal monologue begins: "is it a wee wee or a shit?"; "they've been more than 2 minutes, must be shitting"; "6 minutes now, are they constipated??". Then other tables join in this hive-mind of toilet speculation: "That guy has been a while, must be shitting. Now i'm thinking of a stranger shitting. And i'm drinking coffee, a tepid brown substance with a bitter aftertaste! I'm drinking that stranger's shit!!!". You can see the problems that can arise from this toilet ambiguity.

So my proposed solution is to eliminate this uncertainty once and for all. A simple button system, installed at the door to the toilet and once more in each cublicle, presents the toileter with several options. Upon entering the toilet you make the first choice by pressing one of two buttons highlighting your intention by flashing the words 'HAVING A WEE' or 'IT'S A CRAP I'M AFRAID' above the door for all to see. For a straight up wee wee no further option is required, however the second cubicle button choice allows the more serious toileter to 'update their status' mid-visit with options like "It's a clean drop, two wipes at most", "This little fella is a bit shy, he's gonna take some coaxing out", "I'd give it 5 minutes if i were you", or simply "Houston, we have a problem". This would thus eliminate the doubt in customers minds, setting everyone at ease again and able to re-direct their thoughts of cack to more coffee-appropriate subjects, like how some big coffee shop brands relentlessly attempt to monopolise the cafe industry by aggressively targeting prime real estate for instance. Or maybe tax avoidance.

Finally, you know that thing you do where you ask for my name when i order a drink then you write it in a barely legible scribble on the side of my cup? Can you just like stop doing that please? It makes my tits itch. Cheers.


Niesche x

The most pointless, boring reply possible. Wankers:

Dear Nick,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company. We welcome feedback from our customers and I have shared your comments with the appropriate team for their attention.

If you have any other questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to get in touch.


Matthew N.
customer service


Wednesday, 7 August 2013


Dear tescows,

I am a passionate man with a great deal of time on his hands and a predisposition towards righteous indignation. As a result of this unique and wonderful combination of elements i have taken it upon myself to begin a new campaign against a great offence within the supermarket community and i would hope that the great and good of tescows will recognise the importance of this campaign and get behind it with spunky gusto!
I am of course speaking of the phallogocentric mis-appropriation and blatant gender bias prevelant in the categorisation of meat products. I realise your fine organisation will of course be fully aware of the controversy surrounding these semantic issues however for the purposes of absolute clarity i feel i ought to spell it out. I am also intending to forward this email on to the morons at the asda and those wooly-headed half-wits wouldn't know a deconstructivist approach to phallogocentric meat product gender-bias if it came and shitted on their lurid green-uniformed faces.

Let's begin with chickens. The inherent sexism within butchery in 2013 is nowhere more apparant than in the blatant male-centric categorisation and sexual objectification of that most glorious of poultry, the chicken.
Chickens: the providers of life in their unselfish production of 'eggs'; the embodiment of 'the feminine' with their strong tone and versatility of real-world knowledge application - shockingly objectified by reductionist sexualised terms for their nutritious femi-flesh such as 'thigh', 'neck' and 'leg', and the absolute worst in this pantheon of hyper-sexualised filth: 'breasts'. In applying such reductionist logic to the nomenclature of fleshy hen products the meat industry creates a metanarrative driven by a phallogocentric bias which deconstructs the complexity of the poultry-feminine to a base level of objectified and sexualised bodily organs. Namely, 'tits'. (And lets face it, who the fuck wants to eat 'chicken tits' anyway?)
In order to address this imbalance i propose the first stage of my grand campaign: in short, the re-appropriation of the semantics of chicken-meat identification to encompass and reflect the intertextual complexities of womanhood while redirecting the male-centric bias towards a less femi-focused, more genderqueer terminology. My solution to this quandry is to rename and thus under-sexualise and mirror the pangender nature of the flesh in question. To this end I suggest we simply call it 'chicken'. "Are you a leg or a breast man?!"..."I am neither. I am a CHICKEN man! (sorry, person! I am a CHICKEN PERSON)".

At the other end of this spectrum of male-centric muck is the graceful and majestic pig. Rather predictably the phallogocentric bias is in this case inverted, the pig being identified as overtly masculine as reflected in the pseudo-aggressive hyper-sexualised terminology of the 'cuts'. The 'shoulder' (strong, powerful and muscular), 'knuckle/shank' (violent, aggressive and 'boney'), and most repugnant of all: the 'loin'. If there was ever a cut of meat which embodies the rape-centric eroticism perpetrated by the male led butchery movement it is the vile 'loin'. The aggressive, thrusting, hard 'loin' - penetrating the mouths of the innocent, subverting the consensuality of the sexually-charged act of eating, further promoting the meta-agenda of the butcher pseudo-rapists. In continuing to persist with these blatantly sexist terms you imbue a filth-narrative at the very heart of the pork experience: the 'shoulder' giving power to the restraint of the femi-victim; the 'knuckle' enforcing and promoting the fear of the abused; and the 'loin' violating and sullying the cleanliness and delicate femininity of the recipient. Talk about a male-chauvanist pig. To remedy this i propose a renaming of all pork products, reducing the inherent sexuality by simply calling it 'pig'. (You can keep bacon though. Bacon is just bacon. Bacon bacon bacon bacon. Bacon).

One further point of general meat-naming wrongness: 'mince'. Blatantly homophobic, the 'mince' meat is presented as 'less than meat', a cruel reduction of substance and texture, reflective of the hyper-aggressivity of phallogocentric homophobic male butchery bias, and presented as less masculine than the firm solidity of a shoulder, a leg or a bollock.

I trust you will take these recommendations on board and apply a new gender-neutral approach to the categorisation of meats, allowing a more femi-positive message to permeate the narratives of our shopping lives.

Many thanks for your time,
Niesche x


Dear Niesche
My name is Giorgia, I am the Customer Service Manager responsible for responding to your email.

Thank you for contacting us.

Please let me assure you that it was never our intention to cause any offence to the public concerning the labelling of our meat products.

I have forwarded your comments to our Business Support Team who will be sure to inform the appropriate departments.

Once again, I would like to offer my sincere apologies for any offence caused and if I can be of further assistance in future, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards

Giorgia Warsama
Tesco Customer Service

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