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On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Monday, 19 August 2013


Dear people of starbuckes,

I've been visiting one of your coffee dispensaries on the regular for the past few months and have found myself suddenly possessed by the powerful yet strange urge to email you. The only other emotive experience i can liken this urge to is the feelings of sickly unease one gets when cooking eggs at an inappropriate time of the day (say around 1:45pm which is way beyond the normally accepted boundries for taking luncheon). What are the constituent parts of this urge i hear you mumble? Well people of storbeckss, throughout my visits to your ball-achingly smug 'cafe' i have been struck by several "phenomenally wonderful" (not my words sturbocks, the words of the late Dustin Gee no less!) ideas relating to improving the general ambience of your greeny-brown 'looks-similar-to-mcdonalds-but-with-marginally-better-food' establishments.

Firstly i propose a solution to that age old coffee shop problem of what i like to call 'smug laptop twats'. You know the sort, sitting there going "oooh look at me look at me, i'm so hip and important and my 'work' is so special that i even have to tap away on my macbook vagina while sipping a latte, i don't have time to take 'breaks' oh no this spreadsheet detailing all the spreadsheets i've wasted time on over the last year is far too important" when we all know that what they're actually doing is what we all do when we have free time in front of a computer: staring at a blank google homepage trying desperately to think of something interesting to look at that we can then post on facebook later to satisfy our daily 'like' addiction.

Now obviously we can't go around smearing our own feaces onto their laptop screens and pissing in their coffee, and let's face it we've ALL thought about doing that haven't we stirbricks? No, that would be uncouth. So instead i suggest the widespread construction and implementation of 'twat screens' that can be placed around the offending dickheads so they can pretend to work in peace and we don't have to suffer the unhealthy yellow glow of smugness emanating from their every pore. You could even put pictures of bees or daddy longlegsses on one side so we could all imagine we were frolicking in a summer meadow instead of having our peripheral vision filled with overly-serious wankers with ridiculously neat beards.

Secondly, i have always found the taboo nature of toilet visits upsetting and as stickshits is a forward thinking company i wanted to offer you the opportuninty to be the first to embrace my new concept of 'open-toileting'. As your toilets are always in full view of the 'shop-floor' so to speak there is no avoiding the awkwardness that manifests whenever one of your party decides it is time to ablute. As soon as they leave the table the internal monologue begins: "is it a wee wee or a shit?"; "they've been more than 2 minutes, must be shitting"; "6 minutes now, are they constipated??". Then other tables join in this hive-mind of toilet speculation: "That guy has been a while, must be shitting. Now i'm thinking of a stranger shitting. And i'm drinking coffee, a tepid brown substance with a bitter aftertaste! I'm drinking that stranger's shit!!!". You can see the problems that can arise from this toilet ambiguity.

So my proposed solution is to eliminate this uncertainty once and for all. A simple button system, installed at the door to the toilet and once more in each cublicle, presents the toileter with several options. Upon entering the toilet you make the first choice by pressing one of two buttons highlighting your intention by flashing the words 'HAVING A WEE' or 'IT'S A CRAP I'M AFRAID' above the door for all to see. For a straight up wee wee no further option is required, however the second cubicle button choice allows the more serious toileter to 'update their status' mid-visit with options like "It's a clean drop, two wipes at most", "This little fella is a bit shy, he's gonna take some coaxing out", "I'd give it 5 minutes if i were you", or simply "Houston, we have a problem". This would thus eliminate the doubt in customers minds, setting everyone at ease again and able to re-direct their thoughts of cack to more coffee-appropriate subjects, like how some big coffee shop brands relentlessly attempt to monopolise the cafe industry by aggressively targeting prime real estate for instance. Or maybe tax avoidance.

Finally, you know that thing you do where you ask for my name when i order a drink then you write it in a barely legible scribble on the side of my cup? Can you just like stop doing that please? It makes my tits itch. Cheers.


Niesche x

The most pointless, boring reply possible. Wankers:

Dear Nick,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company. We welcome feedback from our customers and I have shared your comments with the appropriate team for their attention.

If you have any other questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to get in touch.


Matthew N.
customer service


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