As a reader of your fine newspaper for many years i feel compelled to write to you. Well, i say 'reader' but i actually just look at the pictures and gasp softly while rolling my eyes and shaking my head from side to side in a barely noticable manner . And while 'fine' may be too strong an adjective, you're at least marginally better than that shite the daily star. Come to think of it, 'news'paper might be stretching it a bit too, but you do at least have the self control to not resort to putting big brother or x factor on the cover every bloody day. Ok, i'll start again....
As a viewer of your sub-par collection of boderline-trivial nonsense for many years i feel compelled to write to you. Now, on the subject of your 'page 3', like every decent, upstanding male in this wonderful country of ours i am frankly disgusted with your treatment of the female form. Over the thirty odd years of printing page 3 models you have managed in no uncertain terms to systematically subvert the glorious breasts of our shapely sisters into sexless, cold, pointless balloons of ridicule. I used to love tits!! Now, after reading (sorry, 'viewing') your pathetic attempts at titillation over the decades i can't look down ladies tops anymore without imagining them with a stupid plastic smile surrounded by delicate foliage. Whenever i see a topless beauty parading down the beach in Majorca i no longer think 'Phwooar you don't get many of them to the pound!!!', but instead a useless random fact pops into my head like 'Today is national no-baking day and Silvia here is not impressed! "I love a good ol' British bake me, honest. You should come over and taste my buns the vicar sez there incredible!"'.
I honestly don't know how you manage, day after flaccid, sexless day, to turn something as beautiful as ladytits into asexual lumps of goosepimpled flesh. You've ruined tits!!!! How on earth can you ruin tits??!!! I've seen pictures of corpses looking sexier than any of your generic 'beauties'. Is it the lighting you use? Do you photoshop the tits afterwards, like is there a 'remove sexiness' option and you click it to turn the tit equivalent of Beyonce into a breast-like Whoopi Goldberg?! From 'cum' tits to 'mum' tits in one easy step?
If you are indeed as serious as you have claimed to be in the past about objectifying and reducing "intelligent, vibrant young women" (Rebekah 'prison food isn't all that bad you know, you'll get used to it' Brooks, 2014) to 1-dimensional reflections of men's animalistic urges then it's about time you bucked your bloody ideas up. 'Titillation'?? Pfft! They're about as titillating as Rupert Murdoch's hairy arsehole. After being fisted by Giant Haystacks. Come to think of it that is actually quite titillating. Ok, they're about as titillating as seeing Lady Di fellate Bernard Manning (and yes i know they're both dead that's exactly my point. Just imagine Di's raggedy cadaver and smashed up face and jaw trying in vain to stimulate dead Bernards tiny racist penis into life, blood and spittle cascading down his fat-as-fuck legs. You see? Not titillating).
I suggest the very least you could do is to simply ramp up the tit quotient per model by cutting out pictures of tits and sticking them all over the models tits to give a kind of 'multi-tit' effect. This mammary overload
would potentially scramble the brain of the viewer in the hope of resetting the mind to the original base response when viewing naked busters: the well known and deceptively respectful 'phwooar'. Follow this strategy for a few weeks and i'm sure i will once again be able to demean and undervalue women with the ease of a professional rapist. If you want rampant sexism to continue to flourish in this country then it is your duty to remedy this 'spoiled knockers' shambles at once.