About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Wednesday, 15 May 2013


Initial Message: 

Date: Fri, 3 May 2013 17:16:27 +0200
From: contact@ecards.co.uk
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: The weekly top 10 apps for 3rd May 2013

1. WhatsApp FREE

WhatsApp Messenger is a smartphone messenger. Available for Android and other smartphones.

2. Stannp FREE

Turn phone pictures into real postcards sent by post. Send your 1st Card FREE! First Postcard FREE.

3. Candy Crush FREE

Switch and match your way through more than 100 levels in this delicious and addictive puzzle adventure. Ain't it the sweetest game ever?

4. SnapChat FREE

You control how long your friends can view your message - simply set the timer up to ten seconds and send.

5. GitHub FREE

Create, manage, and discuss issues and stay up to date with an integrated news feed for all your organizations, friends, and repositories.

6. O2 Priority FREE

Priority Moments is only for O2 customers, giving you exclusive offers and experiences at big high-street brands and local independent stores.

7. ESPN Goals FREE

Not only can you watch video clips of all the goals* from every Barclays Premier League match, the enhanced app now comes with ESPN studio-based video, in-app social media functionality and additional personalisation.

8. Aces of the Luftwaffe FREE

YOU have to show what you're made of as the war over Europe is in full swing. Fight waves of Axis planes and panzers until you hit the boss enemies.

9. MARVEL War of Heroes FREE

Marvel War of Heroes is the ONLY official mobile card battle game from the Marvel Universe, featuring Spider-Man, Hulk, Iron Man and many more.

10. Calorie Counter - MyFitnessPal FREE

Lose weight with MyFitnessPal, the fastest and easiest to use calorie counter for Android.


Ahoy there captain

Thanks ever so much for the list, it's ever so useful to know the top ten apps for any given week as it makes my job of compiling app trends so much easier! I do feel a tad guilty though, i've never given you anything! And here you are sending me comprehensive app usage information out of the goodness of your heart! Such a kind soul. So, i feel the need to offer you something in return and today is your lucky day because i am going to share with you my list of AMAZING app ideas what i've had in my own brain!!! No amount of money could buy that shit! And what's more you'll be getting a heads up on app trends of the FUTURE, because rest assured these apps are so AMAZING they are GUARANTEED to sell like a child's soiled pants at a BBC bring and buy sale! They will blow your shitting head off!!

Off we go!!

1. 'Lemony Benson'
It's a game! You play as a bent copper, 'Benson', whose mind has been transported into the body of a 9 year old girl with a cleft palette. Lost inside the maze of Leeds indoor market Benson has to steal lemons from unsuspecting market traders to fill up his/her cleft palette 'juice meter' (but watch out for oranges!! LOL!). THEN with a squeeze of those peachy cheeks WHOOSH a lemon juice nose cannon to knock out the evil butchers with their meat weapons intent on stopping Benson from escaping and being reunited with his/her dodgy cop body at Milgarth nick. I imagine quotes from reviews would be something like: "shitting god this is amazing!", "Benson had me mentally wanking into a bowl of citrus delights", "Quite lemony". 

2. 'Pistagram'
A new photo app that uses special filters to recreate those shitty out of focus, badly framed pictures you always manage to take when pissed up on nights out. Underexposed, blurry pictures of peoples feet. Some pictures of friends smoking, always captured at the precise moment they have their eyes shut. The obligatory shot of a pint/cocktail/row of shots on a grubby pub table in case you somehow forget what 'a drink' looks like. And of course those random out of focus shots of precisely nothing, taken by accident 'cos you didn't realise your thumb was pressing the capture button as you were too preoccupied staring like a lunatic at that boy/girl you fancy while drunkenly gurning like a sideshow freak having a fit. 

3. 'High Spy'
A radar 'location' app that helps you locate drug dealers if you're in need of a 'fix'. The dealer turns on the app on their phone, then using augmented reality you hold your phone up to the high rise flats in that rough part of town and hey presto the dealers windows 'glow' with colours indicating the merchandise they sell! Brown for heroin, white for coke/crack, green for weed, yellow for glue. Then simply use the in-app messenger to request the 'score' ("need a spot of brown geezer, what's the dizzy?") and your veins will be lit up with the juice of the gods in no time! No more waiting in McDonalds car park for hours getting paranoid the cops are staking you out! Play 'High Spy' with your little eye and never be stuck for a hit again!

4. 'Dobbin Chop'
A simple 'swipe and tap' gaming app. You are a butcher working for Tesco, how many horses can you mutilate in the set time?? Get slicing and chopping those equine bags of meaty goodness NOW! Careful though, make sure you avoid the cows and sheeps that stray onto your butcher table so as prevent cross contamination! 

5. 'Supermarket Weep'
Another augmented reality app. Use this when shopping in the supermarket by holding the phone up to different products to get an accurate up to date figure representing the number of small businesses ruined by the selling and undercutting of local products at cheaper prices. Upgrade in-app to get the added bonus of seeing the actual suicides on video of the business owners ruined by the aggressive and monopolising policies of the big chains! 

6. 'Hamster Bang'
A game in which you play the leader of a radicalised group of militant hamsters who for some reason have developed a dislike of the gerbil community in the next town over. Arming your hamster balls with devil bangers and fizzing candy roll on into gerbil territory and blow the living shit out of those long-tailed infidels!! Rated 18 for graphic violence and rodent gore.

7. 'Surprising Lettuce'
Hard to categorise, this unique app presents the user with a simple choice: to look at a lettuce, or not to look at a lettuce. After this decision has been made the app will then display a *different type of lettuce at random times of the day on your home screen. The immeasurable joy of seeing a surprise lettuce can now be yours for less than the price of a cheap whore (rrp probs around 3 quids). 
*NB: app comes with only one lettuce free (family favourite, the 'iceberg'). Additional, more exotic, lettuce types such as 'baby gem' and 'cos' can be bought in-app. 

Please be aware, all these app ideas have patents pending and i've got full copyright bitches!!! Don't be biting my shit.

Niesche x

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