About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Monday, 21 January 2013


Initial Message

From: eeqtkeduzpy@jpfex.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Local women looking for a one night stand
Date: Sat, 19 Jan 2013 02:39:35 -0800

Hi sweety, my name is Aubree and I'm 23 y.o.

I've found a new feature in my profile which allows me to add people with whom I wanna date without any obligations.
I think you understand what I mean... ;)
I’m looking for a regular guy, no models or players, Just a funny nice guy. If you know how to treat a women and make me feel special I want you to check out my profile.

 You can find my profile here and it’s FREE to make a profile.

 All Yours,
 Aubree XOX


Alright softcock, lovely to hear from you! I will check out your profile but first i want you to understand my plight.

It all started a week last Tuesday. I've been living in a treehouse you see and for the past 3 years everything has been peachy and wonderful in my house of wood and leaves, you might even say my domestic situation has been 'idyllic'. You may also like to use the words 'sweet', 'perfect', 'delightful', or maybe even 'vaginal' if you're a bit of a maverick. Last Tuesday though, everything changed (*insert dramatic 'dun dun deeeeerrrr' type music of your choice). The next tree to mine has another tree house in it habited by a family of weasels, 'The Cohens'. These lovely but religiously-muddled Jewish mammals and I get along just fine; I don't take issue with the huge and poorly executed star of David carved into the bark of their tree, and they pretend not to notice me using dismembered cats to 

smear my naked self with blood every Friday morning at 9am. We have an 'agreement'. What we also agree on is the correct use of the local forest amenities. We have a strict recycling policy in our woodland community: we have a green box for dead leaves and dismembered cat debris; a blue box for newspapers and take away menus (i've literally no idea why the pizza shop keeps targeting the Cohens with their relentless menu posting, they don't even like pizza!); a brown box for metal objects like knifes and paperclips; and finally an orange box for shit and piss. I know what you're thinking, why on earth not have the BROWN box for shit and piss??!!! That woukd make far more sense!!!! Don't worry, me and the Cohens have written letters! In spite of this colour coding faux pas the 
system works perfectly, and i can proudly say that for the past 3 years there has been zero cross-
contamination. Yes you read it right, that's zero foreign bodies in inappropriate boxes. A triumph of organisational waste collection. That is, until a week last Tuesday. 

One word Aubree: FUCKINGSQUIRRELS!! A week last Tuesday a family of 'squirrels', 'The O'Keefes', moved into the tree next to the Cohens. At first, all was calm. They were polite, if a little unkempt. We exchanged pleasantries. I baked them scones (come to think of it they still have the shortbread tin i sent them in! Hmmpf). Myself and the Cohens welcomed them into the woodland bosom with a smile and a gentle pat on the breasts. They 'seemed' like nice rodents, but then a mere two days after they arrived 'it' happened. I found an acorn in the brown bin. I know, i know, the HORROR i experienced when i set eyes upon it left me utterly distraught. As you well know the brown box is specifically for metal objects, not discarded squirrel snacks! I went rushing to the Cohens in tears, shaking like the many leafs of my woodland home and being the kind Jews they are, they consoled me with matzos and grapes. After i calmed down i was able to rationalise the situation: the O'Keefes are new here; they're just not used to our system yet, it will take time to 'bed in'; squirrels are not as intelligent as other animals and their kind are plagued by indecision (just watch them 'squirrelling' for nuts, they'll pause and ponder then move but then pause and ponder again, questioning every moment of their dull insipid lives. Idiots). The Cohens and i resolved to gently remind the O'Keefes of the recycling systems we have in place in the hope that it would sink in and order would be restored. 

Aubree, you may not be surprised to hear that although we did indeed remind them of the system, the O'Keefes showed what can only be described as a BLATANT disregard for woodland waste disposal etiquette!
The very next day, not only more acorns in the brown box but (get this!!!) a spanner in the green box! A copy of Cliff Richards 'Summer Holiday' 7" record in the orange box (such sacrelige!! A pop god ruthlessly cast into a quagmire of fecal matter! It's almost too painful to type!). And the absolute icing on this dreadful stress-inducing cake of woe: a take away menu, on the FLOOR! The fucking floor!!! There is a clearly labelled specific box for just this type of waste and yet they chose (believe me this was no accident!) to leave it on the floor!! I can't take this kind of mental abuse Aubree, i just can't. I'm beyond consoling. One might even say i'm 'inconsolable'. If you have any experience with wayward squirrels, or even just recommendations of alternative idiot(squirrel)-proof waste management systems i would love to hear them. Please please help me out of this woodland waste predicament, i beg of you!

Alternatively just send me a picture of your tits. 

Niesche x

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