Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2012 23:40:52 -0800
From: email@example.com, Correy@girlme.info
Subject: Nice girl, nice guy?
I am looking for that ONE man who is my best friend/lover; and has that sexy/fun attitude.Will wrestle with me in the morning.Will take a rainy day off just to cuddle and watch movies.Will cook with me.Will try new things, just for the fun of doing them.Have empathy for others.Love Animals.Have hair/with a brain underneath all that hair, yet can have a blonde moment and laugh it off.Is passionate/affectionate/intimate, and can be faithful.Respects himself and others.......meaning you can........ keep a promise. (If you say it own it)Get the facts before making a judgement (very important)Have the courage to keep it real, and tell it like it is, bad or good (without drama or pulling the Houdini act, thank you).Enjoy the outdoors, and likes to kiss on the beach, while getting caught in a rain.Like picnics with candlelight at night while watching the stars.Go to concerts, and have a blast while enjoying the music.If this sounds like you, then, you sir are definitely a treat.........Ok, about me, I love to write poetry/ write my own music/lyrics/used to play Bass, many moonsago, sketch the human face/woodcarving/seriously love all kinds of music from ACDC to Bethoven-(Would luv to rock out with Amadeus). I look at life with the half glass full theory, because life is what you make it right? I enjoy going to Fairs/Camping/Road Trips/Concerts/ Hanging out with my Man/Landscaping/( Would love to learn to skydive, and drive a Nascar, absolutely!) I'll have fun doing pretty much anything as long as it's in good company. I am an upbeat person, yet have my mellow days as well. I also have a spiritual side, (I have somewhat of an "old soul") and truly believe that the difference you make where your at, will determine where you go after that. I am also the person who would buy your mother flowers on your birthday, because if it wasn't for Mom you wouldn't be here to go on a journey with me, Right?
I liked your email, really I did, but I ought to point out a few things is that ok? Now it seems to me your grasp of humanity is pretty poor to say the least. Allow me to shed the sickly blue light of reason onto your insane ramblings. First up, you want a guy who is your best friend AND lover AND a wrestler AND a cook AND wants to cuddle and watch movies like a girl AND is empathetic AND loves animals??? I'm not entirely sure if such a man really exists. What I think you're after, and this is only an educated guess let me make that clear, is what is commonly referred to as 'a girl'. What really gives it away is that bit where you said 'can be faithful'. So far, so delusional, but the following extracts, for me, highlight where it gets truly moronic:
"Have hair/with a brain underneath all that hair" - you want a mad scientist??? Cackling away in a lab somewhere while a huge pink rubbery brain pulsates underneath a mass of wiry locks?? You mental twat.
"Have the courage to keep it real, and tell it like it is, bad or good (without drama or pulling the Houdini act, thank you)" - so you want a closet actor/magician, one who practices the arts in secret when you're out. Probably wearing your stockings too. Also, 'keeping it real'? 'Good or bad'?? Really??? Ok. Your vagina looks like someone superglued bacon to a welly top (i'm guessing, but most vaginas look like that right? My mum told me, I've never seen one). Anyway, keeping it reeeeeeaaaal!!!
"Go to concerts, and have a blast while enjoying the music" - to many people this may seem like a blindingly obvious pre-requisite for any trip to a gig. One could even say that there should be NO other reason for going to a concert. Unfortunately for you though I hate music, it makes my tits itch. When I go to concerts I don't so much 'enjoy the music and have a blast' as 'shit in my pants then wander round screaming pretending I have a mental illness'.
"I love to write poetry/ write my own music/lyrics/used to play Bass, many moonsago, sketch the human face/woodcarving/seriously love all kinds of music from ACDC to Bethoven-(Would luv to rock out with Amadeus)" - three things: I would LOVE to read your poetry/lyrics. Seriously, send me some. Second, 'the human face'? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Finally, you do know Amadeus (more commonly known as 'Mozart', but hey i'm nit-picking) is dead right?
"I'll have fun doing pretty much anything as long as it's in good company" - oh really?! So, shit-blistering (google it) with George Clooney? Chain- sawing a pig in half with the cast of Fame? Murdering tramps with One Direction and JLS? Or maybe just cramming beetles in your ears with the Wu-Tang Clan? Thought not.
"I have somewhat of an "old soul"" - I know what you mean, i'm somewhat of an 'our-soul'.
"I am also the person who would buy your mother flowers on your birthday" - my mother is DEEEEEEAD!
So yeah, looks like i'm your man! Write back with lyrics and poems, don't you go letting me down you rotten shit.