About Me

On a mission to spam the spammers. With spam.

Wednesday, 1 October 2014

Direct Line Insurance

Due to the fact that big companies no longer provide a contact email address I've had to do this the old fashioned way and send them an actual letter. I've provided them with my email in case they way to reply but I won't hold my breath. Here's what I wrote to them:

                                                                               1, Parma Violet Avenue

Direct Line Insurance
The Wharf,
Neville Street,
Leeds LS1 4AZ

Dear Sir/Madam,

I was overjoyed to see your recent advertising campaign on the telly in which you have co-opted the 'Mr Wolf' character out of that film by that man with the big chin. It's so lovely to see such a well respected and, dare I say, 'cool' character appointed as the face of an insurance company. Major kudos for that fictional coup homies! The fact that said fictional character is a foul-mouthed, impolite odd-job man who associates with criminal kingpins and two-bit hitmen who murder people for fun is neither here nor there! In fact, as insurance companies are essentially in the business of racketeering anyway, due to the fact that they not only force customers into paying an excess regardless of the huge amounts of money they pay in over the years, and if you so much as dare to make a claim against all this money your premiums skyrocket faster than a cat in a bucket of tramps' sick, he's the perfect match! So, with this in mind I have some suggestions for future advertising campaigns involving 'cool' fictional characters, all tailored to the different types of insurance you offer (i'm so fucking good to you guys!).

Home: how about Freddy Kruger the crispy-faced dream fiddler? Not only does he invade your home but your head too! “1, 2 Freddy's coming for you......3, 4 better lock your door........or alternatively sign up to Direct Line Home Insurance! He might make your dreams living nightmares but at least your building and contents will be safe!”

Car: Now, i've thought long and hard about this one as it's tricky. There are the usual suspects of Steve McQueen's character out of Bullit, or Nicolas Cage's idiot from Gone In 60 Seconds, but even though they both drive cars they're not really in keeping with the total criminal scumbag image you're trying to embrace. With this in mind I thought the ideal candidate would be Vincent Vega, Mr Wolf's friend from Pulp Fiction! There's a bit where he drives a car so it's relevant and he ticks all the 'cool scumbag' boxes! Murderer: check! Reckless driver: Check! Heroin addict: check! Violent psychopath: check! Who better to ensure you get all that cool-by-association kudos than a piss-poor actor trying to capture 'effortless cool' but instead coming across as a lethargic moron with about as much menace as a piece of toast?!

Pet: Jefferey Dahmer. Now, strictly speaking he's not a fictional character. I know. Sorry. But he did start off his killing career by murdering dogs in the woods behind his parents' house so he certainly fits the 'unsavoury' theme you've got going on, and those dogs were probably pets to someone so it's all good no? Plus he's got mad charisma! How else do you think he enticed all those fellas back to his flat for sex and cannibalism?? Just think, the young, suave and handsome Dahmer casually dragging a dog off into the woods, his weedy thin moustache twitching abnormally while the voice over talks in a menacing way about 'keeping your pets safe' and repeating sinister cliches like 'you wouldn't want anything bad to happen would you...'.

Travel: The 9/11 bombers. Again, not fictional but thanks to the amount of column inches dedicated to those guys over the years, they're bordering on fucking mythological! Slogan could be something like, I dunno, “Our travel insurance is 'planely' the best” or “We can't offer you 72 virgins, but we can offer 7.2% no claims bonus after 2 years!”.

Life: Now this one's a surefire winner. You ever seen that movie Faces of Death?? The one with all the real life footage people being dead and that?? (Of course you didn't you’re probably just a 19 year old intern whose favourite movie is fucking Dodgeball). The narrator was a guy called Dr something or other, here's a picture of him:

Look at that sinister beard! If ever a facial hair arrangement screamed 'socially inept animal rapist' then this is it! Look how he's got one side of his collar out and the other side tucked in! And in spite of his smart attire the look on his face suggests that he thinks he's naked! He’s a walking erection in a suit! He'd be perfect to lecture your potential customers on the likelihood of their impending demise whilst slowly undressing, never for one minute taking his eyes from the camera. You could end with him saying “Trust me, i'm a doctor” as he advances towards the screen...

So, if that doesn't whet your creative palette then nothing will. I don't want any money for these ideas by the way, even though they are incredibly high quality and so very well thought through. No, instead the mere feeling of warmth from knowing i'm helping a culturally blind corporate organisation gain some much needed kudos so their executives can swan about pretending to be 'cool' for a couple of weeks is sufficient for me.

Peace out brothers and sisters of ripping people off insurance,
Niesche x

Well bugger me with a fridge, i got a reply! It's a bit weird though and smells a bit spammy, though the contact details seem legit. My reply is below it:

From: segun.alayande@directlinegroup.co.uk
To: theniesche@hotmail.com
Subject: Re: Complaint letter about Direct Line advertisiment
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2014 11:47:55 +0000

Dear Niesche,

We have recently received a complaint letter from your about the advertisment run by Direct Line. To enable us deal with the concerns you've raised , please can you provide us with your full name, contact address and phone number.

Thank you.

Segun Alayande
Customer Relations
Case Handler
Direct Line Group
Telephone: 0845 246 2455
Email: segun.alayande@directlinegroup.co.uk
From:  Niesche (theniesche@hotmail.com)
Sent:10 October 2014 21:09:28
To:Alayande, Segun Direct Line Group, Churchill (segun.alayande@directlinegroup.co.uk)
Hello there Segun :)

Lovely to hear from you, i'm so glad you got my letter. While i am ecstatic that you have seen fit to 'deal' with my 'complaint', i am a little apprehensive about giving you my full name, contact address and phone number. After all, you insurance guys are pretty much just government sanctioned criminals aren't you? (as evidenced by your association with Mr Wolf! Gave the game away there didn't you eh?!) So i'm scared that if i do give you my shit then i'll get a visit from an unkempt man called Barry one Saturday afternoon telling me to "keep my maaarrrff shut" in an over-the-top cockney accent. You might even put dog poo on my car handles, or sneak into my house and superglue a fork to my cat. I'd be leaving myself open to a whirlwind of crappy low-level pranks, I'm sure you can understand my concern.

So, in the interests of my peace of mind i require some form of proof that you are indeed a Direct Line representative. Now i'm a reasonable man so i won't be asking for a picture of you taking a big shit on a Churchill nodding dog statue while licking a red telephone or anything like that (though that would be a very beautiful thing). No, instead just a quick selfie of you sat at your desk holding up some kind of Direct Line branded item will suffice. And if you could hold up a sign next to it saying 'That's not a baby that's a potato', even better!

Alternatively, you could just email me with a full apology and some token of gratitude for the world-beating ideas i sent you, you ungrateful shits (I know i originally said i didn't want anything for them but i've changed my mind. Show me the money! Or the kebab. A kebab would be nice).

Looking forward to your reply honeybun x


Hahaha she replied again!!!!

From: segun.alayande@directlinegroup.co.uk
To: theniesche@hotmail.com
Subject: RE: Complaint letter about Direct Line advertisiment
Date: Mon, 13 Oct 2014 12:08:20 +0000

Dear Niesche,

Thank you for your response. However, as stated in my e-mail of 10 October 2014, we'll not be able to deal with the concerns you've raised without a valid contact address details and your full name.


Segun Alayande
Customer Relations
Case Handler
Direct Line Group
Telephone: 0845 246 2455
Email: segun.alayande@directlinegroup.co.uk
My Response:
From:  Niesche (theniesche@hotmail.com)
Sent: 13 October 2014 22:29:40
To: Alayande, Segun Direct Line Group, Churchill (segun.alayande@directlinegroup.co.uk)
Hello you,

Oh dear oh dear, we're in a bit of a pickle aren't we? This is like a really pathetic Mexican stand off via email. Hmmmm, what are we to do.........ooh i know! How about i count to three and then we both reveal our identities to each other! No, wait. That won't work will it? Shit. I've got a better idea! I'll describe myself to you, in detail, and then i'll also give you a bunch of names that i'm NOT called and by process of elimination you can cross them out of the phone book and you'll be left with a bunch of names that MIGHT be mine then we can play like an email version of Guess Who! 'Have you got brown eyes?', 'Are you wearing a tie?' that sort of thing. This is great! Ok, about me: I'm six foot one and i'm tons of fun and i dress to a 't', you see i've got more clothes than Mohammed Ali and i dress so viciously, I got bodyguards, i got two big cars that definitely ain't the whack, i got a Lincoln Continental and a sunroofed Cadillac. Doesn't that paint a lovely picture Segun?! Also, here's a bunch of names that i'm NOT called:

John Thebaptist
Warren Polythene
Lady Miscarriage
Ampitheatre Brown
Andy Paradox
Aubrey Felch
Malcolm Disaster

Let the games begin!!! I'll start. Is your dress blue? Do you have your hair up in a bun? Are you wearing a look of mild confusion? Do you, Segun Aleyande, read The Dandy?

Isn't this fun?!!
Niesche x

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