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Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Pastor Chris

Hi there pastor Chris,

I am writing to you for two reasons: to share my personal experience of a genuine miracle what happened to me last week; and I also have some questions/prayers which I hope you can answer for me. All clear? Good. Here we go…

This is amazing, seriously you’re gonna LOVE this. Genuine miracle, no doubt about it. It’s a definite 10 on the miracle scale. Check it. You know how in the bibel it says stuff about god not liking gays and what have you? And by implication that gayness is not an inherent sexual preference but actually a lifestyle choice cos I dunno, some people just like being awkward or something? So bearing in mind that the bibel is 100% THE TRUTH, what happened last week will blow your holy mind Chrissy-boy. I was a leather bar in town right, just minding my own business, when I turns round and right in front of me were two men ‘being gay’. You know, like holding hands and smiling at each other and ‘pretending’ to be in love and all that….or so I thought! Suddenly a voice entered my head, God’s voice! He said ‘go and ask them why they are being gay for….’ So I did, and guess what Chris?? They said they were doing it cos they were “madly in love with each other”!!!! And they didn’t look like they were pretending at all! And then get this! I asked god’s voice what the deal was and he said “yes, they are not pretending at all! All these years the bibel has been WRONG! Where it says ‘Being a gay is wrong’ what it actually should’ve said is ‘Being a po-faced idiot with a na├»ve and patronising world-view is wrong’!” Then god went on to say that some people being gay was actually brilliant because it not only reduces the risk of over-population but at the same time provides society with loving parents to adopt and take care of all those unwanted children that get shit out by irresponsible heterosexual breeders every day!
Well, you could’ve knocked me down with a shitty nappy. God really does love gay people and the bibel is wrong! (god did however say that the bibel is still totally right about not eating shellfish on a Tuesday, so no scampi for us tonight!) God also added that he would be very grateful if you could amend the bibel to reflect this new development and also include some positive stuff about gays in your sermons or else he’ll take a big god-sized shit on your (presumably massive) house.    

What a miracle eh? Now for my questions/prayers:

1. I'm terrified that one day i will wake up and my legs will have vanished. What can i do to make sure that my legs don't vanish? Is there a special prayer for this?

2. My mate Raul is expecting a baby next week (i.e. his wife is pregernant and it's due next week. He's not just anticipating a baby appearing at his house for a coffee or something). They plan to have many more and him and his missus are wanting to do that thing where they name all the kids they have with names that start with the same first letter, you know like 'Kenneth', 'Katherine' and Kandice for example. You know what name they've decided on for their first daughter? Fucking ‘Ursula’. I don't suppose you could give me a list of other names beginning with 'U' could you? Raul is at a complete loss.

3. Is Billy Zane dead yet? If not can you pray that it happens soon please? Heaven must surely be running low on total douchbags, he could fill that gap perfectly.

4. What on earth are slugs actually 'for'?

Thanks pastor Chris (did you know that your name is actually an anagram of 'hot piss carr'?).
Niesche

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