I was thinking recently about your future career as it seems your run as quein of the x factor is likely coming to an end (source: The Daily Star, so it must be true). Due to your position as ‘national treasure’ and all round ‘strong woman archetype’ it would seem the only logical step up the career ladder for you is to be the actual quein of England! Because let’s face it, Liz is looking tired. What the royalty in this country needs is an injection of spunk. Forget that boring hippie freak Charles and his horse-faced son Bill, I’m fully on the quein Sharen bandwagon! In support of this I have taken the liberty of preparing your application form for the position of quein. There’s no need to thank me….
Application for the Position of the Quein
Name: Sharen Osborn
Do you hold a full clean driving licence? No don’t be ridiculous! I am chauffeur driven in a chariot made of peasants!
Please tick when you are unavailable:
/ Counting my huge wads of cash
/ Shaving horses
/ On x factor
/ On x factor
Manager of a band what was popular
Qualification – Being good at shouting at people
Grade – B
On telly in my own family show
Qualification – Being on telly + Teaching kids to swear
Grade – C
On telly again
Qualification – x factor judge and ‘national treasure’
Grade - C
Being Sharen Osborne:
· Developing an over-inflated air of self-importance.
· Talking down to plebs.
· Level 3 swearing
X Factor judge:
· Shouting down people to win an argument
· Level 3 Patronising
· Professional arrogance
· Calling Chris Tarrant a ‘cunt’
Current Membership of Any Professional Body/Organisation:
Member of the Society of Delusional Idiots Who Think They Are Better Than Everyone Else (Honorary)
Wolverhampton and District Working Men’s Club – Committee member
Member of the ‘People Who Have Called Chris Tarrant A Cunt’ Society
Current or Most Recent Employer:
Name of Employer: The x factor
Date Started: I dunno, ages ago.
Leaving Date: Left 2011 but then came back cos I was bored not being on telly in 2013
Brief Description of Duties:
In my role as x factor judge it is my job to lie in a high pitched whiny voice to poor sods who can/cannot sing in order to give them the misguided impression that ‘being a pop star’ will automatically bring them happiness, instead of telling them the truth of the matter which is that any short term gain in self esteem will be counteracted in a hugely disproportionate way by the crushing sense of despair and disillusionment they will inevitably experience when they are no longer ‘flavour of the month’. Speaking of ‘crushing sense of despair’ I also have to humiliate and patronise individuals during the ‘auditions’ who are clearly suffering with a variety of mental health problems and cannot sing or perform for toffee and who should never have been allowed in front of the camera in the first place hopefully reducing them to tears in the process but who cares eh it makes great tv. As a judge I also have to engineer column inches in tabloid newspapers by starting ‘feuds’ with my fellow judges, like when I bully little Louis Welsh, or saying ‘controversial’ things like “I didn’t like that”, “Get a bloody haircut you tramps dog” or “Shut up Tarrant you cunt”.
Please use this section to demonstrate why you think you would be suitable for the post by reference to the job description and person specification (and by giving examples and case studies). Please include all relevant information, whether obtained through formal employment or voluntary/leisure activities. Attach and label any additional sheets used. See guidance sheet for further information.
I am Sharen Osborne. I am DEFINITELY quein material, just look at my cheekbones! I’ve got ‘condescending pout’ down to a fine art. I ‘swan about thinking I own the place’ like a proper professional quein. I eat things like kumquats and them posh grapes without the seeds in and I have milk made of diamonds. After years of plastic surgery my vag has been completely filled in and smoothed over and I am now completely asexual, just like the real quein. I don’t even have nipples, I had them removed yonks ago and now I use them as the push buttons on my doorbell at home. I look fucking great on stamps. I have proved that I can act with grace and dignity under pressure, like that time when I called Chris Tarrant a ‘cunt’ in front of an audience of adults and children alike. I am scared of bees. My husbend Oswald was a professional musician for many years and is a devout Christian, he even named his band after the sabbath! Our kids are weird, just like the real queins! I have stupid little dogs. I once gave a quid to a homeless. Erm…I ‘look marvellous for my age’ whilst ‘doing a great job’….or something. That’ll do won’t it?
There you go Sharen, the job is in the fucking bag!! Do me a favour though, when you get the quein job can you hang Louis Welsh off Tower Bridge by his knackers so that every time a car goes over he shakes violently and his flabby jowls vibrate making him look really really stupid. Thanks.