Payday Pig

Initial Message:

Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2013 04:45:56 -0700
From: simple@angeliflight.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject:  Need Cash Quick? Get up to 1000 GBP Now - No Credit Checks! 

 
Reply:

Hello Mr Pig (you're not a copper are you? One that appears on payday and makes sure i'm not spending my wages on crack? Fucking fascist!),

I'm really chuffed about your offer of money, it really is so very kind of you. However I do feel it is my duty as a good citizen of this shitty, overcrowded, arrogant (hey, if this was a pirate speaking he would say 'arrrrrrrr-ogant wouldn't he?! a-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa i'm such a prick, sorry) way-too-conservative-play-it-safe-racist-idiot-exploitative-capitalist-scumbags-bullshit country of ours that i think you're making a pretty grave error of judgement. While it is incredibly generous of you (some may say naive, but what do they know eh? Don't you listen to them Piggy) you really ought to know that i'm not the most trustworthy gent in the world. In fact it may come as a surprise to you that (*whisper it*!) "i'm not all that good with money! shhhhhhhh!!!" And along you come, all good natured and well meaning offering me 1000 grands without so much as a cursory check of my bank balance! I can only conclude from such an unconditional act of genuine kindness that you must in fact be Jesus. Hi Jesus, long time no see *waves*.

I fear that if i do accept your lovely, scrumptious, chocolatey sweet peach of an offer, i'll just go and blow the lot on trinkety seaside nic-nacs like porcelain dolphins riding the crest of a glittery wave, set into which is a delightful gold and chrome timepiece. Or resin statues of dogs to go either side of me fireplace so i can pretend i'm a famous darts player *gasp* oh i do love them so!! You see? I've spent the cunt already and you've not even give it me yet! I'm terrible! You must understand, i am to sensible money dealings what Noel Edmonds is to 'not being a detestable arsehole'. So you see, your generosity is in this instance slightly 'misplaced'. Wait....you haven't sent this email to a whole bunch of other people have you??? All of whom are, like me, a tad frivolous? No, of course you haven't! You're Jeeeeeeesus! Jesus wouldn't be that much of a tit surely.

So thanks but no thanks, i must do the right thing and reject your wonderfully crispy offer but before i go Jesus could you do me a favour? Seeing as you're back in the house could you pop by the vatican and tell that new pope that addressing a crowd of invited dignitaries whilst standing in front of huge expensive gold encrusted drapes in luxurious robes in a vast hall surrounded by state of the art security before taking part in a long drawn out and costly induction ceremony and then talking about being 'a church for the poor' is, how shall we say, 'a little bit hypo-fucking-critical'! Shithead.

Peace out you piggy twats.
Niesche.
 

'John Beaver'

Initial Message:

From: rcheung@singnet.com.sg
Subject: urget
Date: Wed, 6 Mar 2013 05:28:03 -0700

Attention ,

My name is John Beaver, Personal legal attorney to your late Uncle who died on the 8th of November, 2006 in the UK. Fortnight ago, I was contacted by the Financial Institution of International Monetary Organization were he held a monetary resource to contact his family members on his abandoned investment with the payee bank through World Bank. Throughout my search, I was not able to ascertain a genuine relative who shall be recipient of his abandoned investment, hence contacting you through your country listed match Data.

Yours truly,

John Beaver (Esq)
Legal Practitioner
Act Legal

Phone: +447937141794

Reply:

Hello John Beaver,

Thank you for you correspondence. I was unaware that my beloved uncle had passed away and it comes as quite a shock as i'm sure i saw him buying chicken nuggets in Aldi just last month. He died in 2006 you say? I thought he looked a bit disheveled at the family reunion last year. At the time i put it down to him being one of those 'homosexuals' (i've heard about them on the tv, there was a man saying how they 'didn't do ironing' and how they all have long hair and how they liked to roll around in mud and not wash for weeks. Or was that gypsies?) but now you mention it he was missing some flesh here and there and he had a whiff of embalming fluid about him (again, i guessed this was what 'homosexes' used for aftershave).

Oh deary me, so he's proper dead. Well i suppose that's down to the path you choose in life isn't it? I mean, all that 'homosexiness' going on it was always going to end up with someone getting hurt wasn't it? I was saying to my Harold just the other day, i said "HAROOOOOLD!!!!!!!" (he's slightly deaf), "HAROLD! If you could just turn away from the cricket for once and LISTEN you fucking piece of shitting shit! Oh that's right just bloody ignore me, your wife of 40 years who has supported you through every fucking melodrama and crisis in your pathetic, pointless fucking life you utter utter CRETIN!". I said "Harold.........Harold...........Harold............" and he just sat there, a big spit string hanging from his fat blue lips, looking like a prostitute had just farted on his balls, but then before he could answer i went and got the big frying pan from the kitchen, the non-stick one i got in the sale at Next (a real bargain, only 25 English pounds and it's served me really well John you should get one) and i took a big run up and smashed the fucking prick right in his numb dribbling face. "Did you hear that you cunt?? Did you?? DID YOOOOOUUUUU??". Then i hitched my skirt up, dropped me bloomers and took a massive shit in his shocked gaping mouth.

Where was i? Oh yes, my dead gay uncle. Well, the answer to your question is "yes!", of course i'd like his money (is homosexual money the same as real money? Or can i only spend it on fluffy rabbits and camomile tea? That's what the man on tv said the gays spend their money on and he was on tv so it must be true. It's like that program i saw about that Austrian fella, 'Adam Hilter' or something his name was, where he really didn't like Juice and banned it from Germany but he seemed to be alright with the 'concentrated' stuff that he took camping. That was all true they reckon, he didn't sound like a very nice man really). Either way i'm down for whatever, just send me the money. Do you want some tit shots in return? I'm 74 and me tits went south a number of years back but i'll prop em up as best i can and take some snapshots if you like? I'll get my useless shit of a husband Harold to do it once he's out of intensive care. Wanker.

So lovely to hear from you John!
Cheerio,

Niesche xxx 

'Aubree'

Initial Message

From: eeqtkeduzpy@jpfex.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: Local women looking for a one night stand
Date: Sat, 19 Jan 2013 02:39:35 -0800

Hi sweety, my name is Aubree and I'm 23 y.o.

I've found a new feature in my profile which allows me to add people with whom I wanna date without any obligations.
I think you understand what I mean... ;)
I’m looking for a regular guy, no models or players, Just a funny nice guy. If you know how to treat a women and make me feel special I want you to check out my profile.

 You can find my profile here and it’s FREE to make a profile.

 http://www.jpfex.com/ss/
 
 All Yours,
 Aubree XOX


Reply

Alright softcock, lovely to hear from you! I will check out your profile but first i want you to understand my plight.

It all started a week last Tuesday. I've been living in a treehouse you see and for the past 3 years everything has been peachy and wonderful in my house of wood and leaves, you might even say my domestic situation has been 'idyllic'. You may also like to use the words 'sweet', 'perfect', 'delightful', or maybe even 'vaginal' if you're a bit of a maverick. Last Tuesday though, everything changed (*insert dramatic 'dun dun deeeeerrrr' type music of your choice). The next tree to mine has another tree house in it habited by a family of weasels, 'The Cohens'. These lovely but religiously-muddled Jewish mammals and I get along just fine; I don't take issue with the huge and poorly executed star of David carved into the bark of their tree, and they pretend not to notice me using dismembered cats to 
smear my naked self with blood every Friday morning at 9am. We have an 'agreement'. What we also agree on is the correct use of the local forest amenities. We have a strict recycling policy in our woodland community: we have a green box for dead leaves and dismembered cat debris; a blue box for newspapers and take away menus (i've literally no idea why the pizza shop keeps targeting the Cohens with their relentless menu posting, they don't even like pizza!); a brown box for metal objects like knifes and paperclips; and finally an orange box for shit and piss. I know what you're thinking, why on earth not have the BROWN box for shit and piss??!!! That woukd make far more sense!!!! Don't worry, me and the Cohens have written letters! In spite of this colour coding faux pas the 
system works perfectly, and i can proudly say that for the past 3 years there has been zero cross-
contamination. Yes you read it right, that's zero foreign bodies in inappropriate boxes. A triumph of organisational waste collection. That is, until a week last Tuesday. 

One word Aubree: FUCKINGSQUIRRELS!! A week last Tuesday a family of 'squirrels', 'The O'Keefes', moved into the tree next to the Cohens. At first, all was calm. They were polite, if a little unkempt. We exchanged pleasantries. I baked them scones (come to think of it they still have the shortbread tin i sent them in! Hmmpf). Myself and the Cohens welcomed them into the woodland bosom with a smile and a gentle pat on the breasts. They 'seemed' like nice rodents, but then a mere two days after they arrived 'it' happened. I found an acorn in the brown bin. I know, i know, the HORROR i experienced when i set eyes upon it left me utterly distraught. As you well know the brown box is specifically for metal objects, not discarded squirrel snacks! I went rushing to the Cohens in tears, shaking like the many leafs of my woodland home and being the kind Jews they are, they consoled me with matzos and grapes. After i calmed down i was able to rationalise the situation: the O'Keefes are new here; they're just not used to our system yet, it will take time to 'bed in'; squirrels are not as intelligent as other animals and their kind are plagued by indecision (just watch them 'squirrelling' for nuts, they'll pause and ponder then move but then pause and ponder again, questioning every moment of their dull insipid lives. Idiots). The Cohens and i resolved to gently remind the O'Keefes of the recycling systems we have in place in the hope that it would sink in and order would be restored. 

Aubree, you may not be surprised to hear that although we did indeed remind them of the system, the O'Keefes showed what can only be described as a BLATANT disregard for woodland waste disposal etiquette!
The very next day, not only more acorns in the brown box but (get this!!!) a spanner in the green box! A copy of Cliff Richards 'Summer Holiday' 7" record in the orange box (such sacrelige!! A pop god ruthlessly cast into a quagmire of fecal matter! It's almost too painful to type!). And the absolute icing on this dreadful stress-inducing cake of woe: a take away menu, on the FLOOR! The fucking floor!!! There is a clearly labelled specific box for just this type of waste and yet they chose (believe me this was no accident!) to leave it on the floor!! I can't take this kind of mental abuse Aubree, i just can't. I'm beyond consoling. One might even say i'm 'inconsolable'. If you have any experience with wayward squirrels, or even just recommendations of alternative idiot(squirrel)-proof waste management systems i would love to hear them. Please please help me out of this woodland waste predicament, i beg of you!

Alternatively just send me a picture of your tits. 

Cheers,
Niesche x

'Jean-Paul/Correy'

Initial Message:

Date: Sun, 25 Nov 2012 23:40:52 -0800
From: jeanpaulyjd136@rocketmail.com, Correy@girlme.info
Subject: Nice girl, nice guy?
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk

I am looking for that ONE man who is my best friend/lover; and has that sexy/fun attitude.Will wrestle with me in the morning.Will take a rainy day off just to cuddle and watch movies.Will cook with me.Will try new things, just for the fun of doing them.Have empathy for others.Love Animals.Have hair/with a brain underneath all that hair, yet can have a blonde moment and laugh it off.Is passionate/affectionate/intimate, and can be faithful.Respects himself and others.......meaning you can........ keep a promise. (If you say it own it)Get the facts before making a judgement (very important)Have the courage to keep it real, and tell it like it is, bad or good (without drama or pulling the Houdini act, thank you).Enjoy the outdoors, and likes to kiss on the beach, while getting caught in a rain.Like picnics with candlelight at night while watching the stars.Go to concerts, and have a blast while enjoying the music.If this sounds like you, then, you sir are definitely a treat.........Ok, about me, I love to write poetry/ write my own music/lyrics/used to play Bass, many moonsago, sketch the human face/woodcarving/seriously love all kinds of music from ACDC to Bethoven-(Would luv to rock out with Amadeus). I look at life with the half glass full theory, because life is what you make it right? I enjoy going to Fairs/Camping/Road Trips/Concerts/ Hanging out with my Man/Landscaping/( Would love to learn to skydive, and drive a Nascar, absolutely!) I'll have fun doing pretty much anything as long as it's in good company. I am an upbeat person, yet have my mellow days as well. I also have a spiritual side, (I have somewhat of an "old soul") and truly believe that the difference you make where your at, will determine where you go after that. I am also the person who would buy your mother flowers on your birthday, because if it wasn't for Mom you wouldn't be here to go on a journey with me, Right?

Reply:

Hello idiot,

 

I liked your email, really I did, but I ought to point out a few things is that ok? Now it seems to me your grasp of humanity is pretty poor to say the least. Allow me to shed the sickly blue light of reason onto your insane ramblings. First up, you want a guy who is your best friend AND lover AND a wrestler AND a cook AND wants to cuddle and watch movies like a girl AND is empathetic AND loves animals??? I'm not entirely sure if such a man really exists. What I think you're after, and this is only an educated guess let me make that clear, is what is commonly referred to as 'a girl'. What really gives it away is that bit where you said 'can be faithful'. So far, so delusional, but the following extracts, for me, highlight where it gets truly moronic:

 

"Have hair/with a brain underneath all that hair" - you want a mad scientist??? Cackling away in a lab somewhere while a huge pink rubbery brain pulsates underneath a mass of wiry locks?? You mental twat.

 

"Have the courage to keep it real, and tell it like it is, bad or good (without drama or pulling the Houdini act, thank you)" - so you want a closet actor/magician, one who practices the arts in secret when you're out. Probably wearing your stockings too. Also, 'keeping it real'? 'Good or bad'?? Really??? Ok. Your vagina looks like someone superglued bacon to a welly top (i'm guessing, but most vaginas look like that right? My mum told me, I've never seen one). Anyway, keeping it reeeeeeaaaal!!!

 

"Go to concerts, and have a blast while enjoying the music" - to many people this may seem like a blindingly obvious pre-requisite for any trip to a gig. One could even say that there should be NO other reason for going to a concert. Unfortunately for you though I hate music, it makes my tits itch. When I go to concerts I don't so much 'enjoy the music and have a blast' as 'shit in my pants then wander round screaming pretending I have a mental illness'.

 

"I love to write poetry/ write my own music/lyrics/used to play Bass, many moonsago, sketch the human face/woodcarving/seriously love all kinds of music from ACDC to Bethoven-(Would luv to rock out with Amadeus)" - three things: I would LOVE to read your poetry/lyrics. Seriously, send me some. Second, 'the human face'? hahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Finally, you do know Amadeus (more commonly known as 'Mozart', but hey i'm nit-picking) is dead right?

 

"I'll have fun doing pretty much anything as long as it's in good company" - oh really?! So, shit-blistering (google it) with George Clooney? Chain- sawing a pig in half with the cast of Fame? Murdering tramps with One Direction and JLS? Or maybe just cramming beetles in your ears with the Wu-Tang Clan? Thought not.

 

"I have somewhat of an "old soul"" - I know what you mean, i'm somewhat of an 'our-soul'.

 

"I am also the person who would buy your mother flowers on your birthday" - my mother is DEEEEEEAD!

 

So yeah, looks like i'm your man! Write back with lyrics and poems, don't you go letting me down you rotten shit.

 

Niesche.

'Jamila'

Initial Message: 

Date: Sat, 24 Nov 2012 03:48:22 -0800
From: weboo661@att.net
Subject: Hiii
To:

Hiii

Nice Meeting You, i am miss jamila, i wish to have you as my friend,
please could you get back to me for more detail of my self, and all maybe
necessary in relationship including my picture, if this interest you get
back to me.yours jamila.

Reply:

Helloooooooo Miss Jamila,

I'm so very pleased you wrote to me, and of course you can have me as your friend! Here's some facts about me that i hope will pique your interest and make your fat grotty tits vibrate with delight:

• I have a genital wart that is shaped like jesus's face. The old people who own the corner shop near my house call me 'Holycock'.
• I can eat up to 5 slices of aubergine in one sitting, but no more than that i'm not a complete idiot hahahahahah!
• I can't speak German but i can be occasionally racist if the situation demands it (like if i'm trying to impress posh people).
• I own a tie made of pigs lips and when i wear it i am inviiiiiiinciblllllllle!!!!
• I never raped that poodle, it was totally consensual.
• At certain times of the day i like to throw crayons at a motorbike.
• I was raised by mice on a farm in the Cotswalds and discovered aged 9 eating my own shit by a local news reporter who took me in and cared for me until one night last year i got bored of her stupid monotone voice and slit her horrible flabby throat with a sliver of frozen urine. hahaha only joking Jamila, that's totally not true! She was a weather girl, not a news reporter. Slut.
• I can't fucking say two fucking words without fucking saying the word 'fuck'. Or, erm...maybe i can?

I have enclosed a photo of me with my see-through pet lizard, his name is Thebeatlesweren'tallthatgoodandanyonewhosaysotherwiseisadelusionalhalfwit. I would very much like a picture of you in return, could you send me one of you holding a waffle iron and wearing a nappie?

Cheers you demented weirdo,
Niesche

She Replied!!!!!!

From: jamila_10093@hotmail.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: PLEASE DEAR TELL ME LITTLE ABOUT YOU
Date: Mon, 26 Nov 2012 08:34:46 +0000

Dear friend,

I am more than happy in your reply to my mail, how is your day today i hope all is well and fine with you including your health and job. My name is Miss jamila Dosi and i am 24 years, single and never been married, i am from Sudan in Africa but presently residing in the missionary church here in Senegal where i ran as a refuge due to the political civil war that took place in my country. I am in sufferings and pains here in this camp, i really need help from someone by encouraging me and good advice in life and to help me to come out from this situation, again to help me get my money, because my late father deposited some amount of money for me in the Bank and he used my name as the next of kin.

My late father Dr. Ellison Dosi, worked as the Chief Executive Officer of (E E C PLC) in Port Sudan in Sudan. During the war, the rebel loyal to one of the greedy business associate of my late father attacked our house one early morning and killed my mother and father in a cold blood. It is only me that is alive now as the only child of my parents and i managed to make my way to this country Senegal by the help of UN army where i am living now in the missionary, headed by a Reverend Father, i used his office computer to send you this email and i only enter his office when he is less busy in his office.

I would like to know more about you, your likes, dislikes, your hobbies and what you are doing presently. i like to meet understanding, loyal, sincere, truthfully, kindly, friendly and more to that, a man of vision. Attached here is my picture. I will be hoping to hear from you again.

Yours jamila.

Reply number 2:

Jamila! Blimey fuck that was a quick response! Lovely to hear from you. Have to say though, disappointed at the lack of waffle iron and nappie in your pictures you shit! Also you're a little bit hideous and your face makes me frightened, it looks inflated in all the wrong places (and i won't even mention your eyebrows! Jesus what the fuck are they?? Did you draw them on with a paint roller??). Do you remember a program that was on in the 80's (i think) based on Beauty and the Beast where the beast guy was called Vincent and he lived in Central Park New York and he had a stupid voice and some woman who might've been a lawyer was really into him and they solved crimes and shit? Yeah? Well, you look like Vincent the beast. And the make up isn't fooling anyone you know. You can't polish a turd Jamila. You'd probably make a good crime fighter though, just saying.

I guess we can be friends anyway, i'm not racist or owt. Bummer about your folks though eh? How did they die, was it in spectacular fashion like the guys burst through the door and everything went in slow motion as you all tried to dive for cover but NO daddy leaps for one of the baddies and grasps the gun with both hands, his contorted face screaming (in slow motion remember) "Jammiiiiiillllllaaaaaaa, geeeeettttt ouuuuuuuuutttt" but then the other baddie spins round and 'BLAM BLAM BLAM' 3 shots to the dome piece and daddy's down! Mummy's crying now and turning to flee but then KABOOM she gets a slo-mo grenade rammed up her bottom and she explodes in a shower of maternal guts!! Or did they both just get shot up quick time and then fall in an undignified heap before shitting in their pants? Whatever, i don't really care to be honest.

Right enough about you, let's talk about me!
My Likes: people with dead parents, preferably ones that have been murdered in a cold blood (looks like you're in luck Jamila!); pictures of cartoon rabbits (but not Bugs Bunny, he's too much of a smug prick); line dancing with quadraplegics; anything to do with soup production.
My Dislikes: the strange flap of skin that hangs off my left ankle, it's like a floppy 5th limb except i can't do owt with it or use it in any way. It just sits there getting in the way of my socks and preventing me from wearing strappy heels. Total bummer; the Bee Gees (not many left now though hahahaha! It's game over Gibbs!!! Game over!!!); people who say "not three bad" when asked "how are you doing". Awful and unnecessary.

Might i finally add that i'm definitely NOT 'understanding', 'loyal', 'sincere', 'truthfully', 'kindly' or 'friendly' but i am ABSOLUTELY a 'man of vision'! I totally have two eyes and they can see things and shit so i'm good on that score. 1 out of 7 isn't too bad is it?

Look forward to hearing from you Jamila! And next time can i have a picture of you next to a crippled tramp and holding up a sign that says "i'm with stupid"? Please? Super!

Peace,
Niesche.    

Optical Express

Initial Message:

Subject: Win Laser Eye Treatment - Freedom from Glasses & Contacts
From: contact-74648@chinchillafrugal.com
Date: Tue, 20 Nov 2012 09:49:45 -0800
Click For Offer Images and Details


















 Reply:      


Hello Vision Wizards,

I've been receiving emails off you for a while now and my curiosity/bizarre sexual urges (don't ask) have got the better of me and I am compelled to reply to find out what 'the score' is. Please take the time to answer my questions, and if you could 'think' the answers in your best Norwegian accent as you write them that would be delightful thank you.

First question (isn't this exciting?!): Regarding your laser eye treatment, is it magic done by goblins? I've not got a problem with fantasy creatures per se, but goblins?? They've got small fingers, they're allergic to plastic, they don't know the difference between noodles and spaghetti, and I've heard they eat lesbians! I mean, I'm not racist or anything I just don't like them. So if its magic goblins then I'm afraid it is a resolute "NO"!

Second question: I'd really really like some of that x-ray vision like what Superman has got. Now don't get me wrong I'm not interested in looking at ladies pants through their dresses like that smug mutant weirdo alien freak. Oh no, my interest is much more important to humanity (although when it comes to sneaky pant viewing I'd never say 'never'. It's just not a priority ya know?). I need x-ray vision (and note the key word here in 'need' not 'want') because I've invented a device which is able to measure the exact length of a persons shit before it exits the anus, an 'inter-bowel' measurement which until now has been inconceivable! Yes, you're absolutely right it IS revolutionary. I'm a genius you say? Oh, you! It's not for me to say, but thank you that's ever so kind.
Now unfortunately this invention cannot go 'to market' without proper testing, hence the NEED for x-ray vision. I need to see that the measurements are accurate by looking inside the actual shit pipe of a human person. So x-ray vision is a must, the question is can you provide it????!

Third question: I'd rather like the lasers that you use to make a 'ptchew ptchew' sound when you fire them into my eyes so that I can pretend I'm Dirk Benedicts character in the old Battlestar Gallactica tv show. I've tried pretending to the sound of lasers off Star Wars and the like but they make a sound that goes 'ptcheoow ptcheoow' which is quite different to a trained sci-fi ear such as mine. It's just not the same. Please tell me your lasers make this sound otherwise I might just have to come round and piss in your bath.

Thank you for your time.

Peace,
Niesche.
 
 

'Anna'

Initial Message:

Date: Mon, 24 Sep 2012 05:22:10 +0100
From: %FROMEMAIL%
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: I have an exclusive offer just for YOU

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Reply:

Greetings Anna,

Well you filthy little minx! If that's not the most sexually charged email i've never received then my name isn't not John Porridge and i haven't not got a wife who isn't called Susan! I was incredibly thrilled and aroused by your email, so much so that my daily wank today was based entirely on the thought of you handing me my 'mouth watering', 'MASSIVE', 'lucrative bonus' (surely a euphemism for 'here's my tits wrapped in clingfilm'. Eh Anna?, Eh? Eh??). I must warn you though, just like your bonus i can't 'last forever' either :(
More like two minutes of frantic rutting with me a red faced mess of hair and sweat jerking away on top of you while you stare distractedly at the ceiling contemplating what colour you're going to paint the bathroom and whether Roy the mechanic has managed to get rid of that irritating squeak from the Volvo. Then 'Heeeeuuuuurrrgggghhhh!' it's all over and you can get back to grooming your dogs vagina.

Now that we have the pleasantries out of the way i thought i'd write you a poem to express my feelings at these grotty smut-laden emails you keep sending me.

Oh Anna G, if you owned a massive tree,
I'd love to take a big shit at the bottom,
And I'd hope that you'd see, that shit on your tree,
As a reminder never to be forgotten,

That my email is pure, not fit for you 'whore',
And not welcome are your offers of credit,
So please i implore, junk emails no more,
Go fuck yourself you presumptuous, irritating, money-grabbing, exploitative fucking cunt. There, i said it.   

You're about as welcome as Jimmy Saville's ashes at a Johnson's baby talcum powder factory.

Sincerely,
Niesche.