Payday Pig

Initial Message:

Date: Sat, 16 Mar 2013 04:45:56 -0700
From: simple@angeliflight.com
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject:  Need Cash Quick? Get up to 1000 GBP Now - No Credit Checks! 

 
Reply:

Hello Mr Pig (you're not a copper are you? One that appears on payday and makes sure i'm not spending my wages on crack? Fucking fascist!),

I'm really chuffed about your offer of money, it really is so very kind of you. However I do feel it is my duty as a good citizen of this shitty, overcrowded, arrogant (hey, if this was a pirate speaking he would say 'arrrrrrrr-ogant wouldn't he?! a-hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaa i'm such a prick, sorry) way-too-conservative-play-it-safe-racist-idiot-exploitative-capitalist-scumbags-bullshit country of ours that i think you're making a pretty grave error of judgement. While it is incredibly generous of you (some may say naive, but what do they know eh? Don't you listen to them Piggy) you really ought to know that i'm not the most trustworthy gent in the world. In fact it may come as a surprise to you that (*whisper it*!) "i'm not all that good with money! shhhhhhhh!!!" And along you come, all good natured and well meaning offering me 1000 grands without so much as a cursory check of my bank balance! I can only conclude from such an unconditional act of genuine kindness that you must in fact be Jesus. Hi Jesus, long time no see *waves*.

I fear that if i do accept your lovely, scrumptious, chocolatey sweet peach of an offer, i'll just go and blow the lot on trinkety seaside nic-nacs like porcelain dolphins riding the crest of a glittery wave, set into which is a delightful gold and chrome timepiece. Or resin statues of dogs to go either side of me fireplace so i can pretend i'm a famous darts player *gasp* oh i do love them so!! You see? I've spent the cunt already and you've not even give it me yet! I'm terrible! You must understand, i am to sensible money dealings what Noel Edmonds is to 'not being a detestable arsehole'. So you see, your generosity is in this instance slightly 'misplaced'. Wait....you haven't sent this email to a whole bunch of other people have you??? All of whom are, like me, a tad frivolous? No, of course you haven't! You're Jeeeeeeesus! Jesus wouldn't be that much of a tit surely.

So thanks but no thanks, i must do the right thing and reject your wonderfully crispy offer but before i go Jesus could you do me a favour? Seeing as you're back in the house could you pop by the vatican and tell that new pope that addressing a crowd of invited dignitaries whilst standing in front of huge expensive gold encrusted drapes in luxurious robes in a vast hall surrounded by state of the art security before taking part in a long drawn out and costly induction ceremony and then talking about being 'a church for the poor' is, how shall we say, 'a little bit hypo-fucking-critical'! Shithead.

Peace out you piggy twats.
Niesche.