UGG Australia

Initial message:

Date: Mon, 25 Nov 2013 18:21:07 +0800

To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
From: customer@uggfull.com
Subject: UGG Boots Sale: 65% off TODAY ONLY

Hi Nhsells, Enjoy 65% Off Everything-In Stores Only! View Online | Unsubscribe women's men's boots slippers kids new arrivals All Ugg Boots Free Shipping sale 65 % OFF shop now Hurry - limited time only! last day! Up to 10% Extra off Extra 5% Off For 2 Items, 10% Off For 3 or More. Make a call to UGG (001) 518-3003188 for your answers women series men series kids series women Boots slippers Women Collection Men Boots Slippers Men Favorites Big Kids Little Kids Kids Baby If you have any questions, please contact us at Service@uggfull.com This email was sent to the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk from customer@uggfull.com. To ensure you receive our emails, please add customer@uggfull.com to your address book. You are receiving this message because you have signed up at uggfull.com to receive our email communications If you wish to leave this mailing, you can Unsubscribe here. Normally, goods will be shipped out within 48 hours after the payment has been verified (weekend and holidays excluded). We ship products throughout the worldwide via the most honest express companies including EMS, DHL, UPS and FedEx and so on. Please provide a valid and detailed shipping address so that the packages could reach your place. Once we ship your package, we will send you tracking No. as soon as possible to follow up. Copyright 2013 uggfull.com, Inc. 2139 A .Manning Road .Double Bay w 2748 Australia

Reply:

21:50

To: UGG® Australia, Service@uggfull.com

Hello UGGERS,

Can i first of all state that no, i absolutely did not 'sign up at uggfull.com' to receive your email offers BUT (and this is actually a very large and special 'BUT') by some weird piece of cosmic synchronicity i was about to email YOU with an offer of my very own!!! How very special! And my offer is infinitely more valuable than a paltry 65% off and free shipping you tramps! What i offer is simply one thing: advice. Advice and ideas. Ok, two things, but it's mainly advice alright?
You may or may not have noticed that over here in the civilised western world ladies are increasingly getting sick of wearing boots that make them look like they work as the 'comfort police' in Fluffybunnyland. You have to admit that, as 'cosy' as they may be, trotting around all day in what essentially amounts to two dead sheep on your feet isn't going to win you any style awards. They're like slippers with delusions of grandeur. Not to mention the fact that everyone else has to suffer seeing these poor (but oh so comfortable!) women wear the shit out those 'fancy slippers' until the soles shoot out to one side like they're trying to escape being trodden on all day so ladies end up looking like they've broken their fucking ankles 'cos no-one in the real world can afford to spend 150 quid on a pair of replacement bedtime wellies every month.

So, UGGs are seemingly on the way out. But do not despair! My advice to you is simply 'diversify'...................................................................................................................................................

Just let that sink in......................................................................................................................................

Mind? Blown? I'll bet it is, but save your praise! I am about to share with you my amazing idea for a new stock line to help you continue to sell over-priced woolen products to fashion-unconscious Brits! Also, you're gonna have a whole bunch of fleece-lined toe-ticklers to get rid of so you may as well use them for something. So what is this idea?................................

'Cock Wallets'

A subtle and unique combination of the novelty 'cock warmers' popular in seaside town joke shops in the 80's, and that most outdated of monetary containers: the wallet. Bringing you the warmth and comfort of a toothless prossies mouth coupled with the convenience and security of keeping your 'pieces of silver' right next to your 'crown jewels'. Once your johnson is safely tucked up in its wooly bed you can rest assured that no self-respecting pick pocket (prick pocket? or maybe even pick cocket??) is going to have the 'balls' (hahahahahahaha!) to slip his hand down the front of your strides for the sake of a few pennies. And even if they did, what would they find? With the downy interior taking care of any post-wee dribbles, they'd discover a soft, warm and dry penis to welcome their dirty thieving hand. You know this one's a winner (or should that be 'weiner'!). I've even thought of some advertising slogans:

1. 'Ugger me!' A clever play on that most British of phrases 'bugger me' which serves two meanings, being both an invite by the consumer to your company to furnish his needy penis with your groundbreaking product, and also a reference to the act of 'buggery' which is sort of what the consumer will be doing when he pops his winky into the fluffy sheath, resembling as it undoubtedly will, a sheeps anus. 

2. 'Fort Knackers'. A reference to the American 'Fort Knox', being the archetypal secure money depository, and probably a very comfortable money depository at that.

3. Actually, i could only think of two. Sorry.

By the way i've trademarked the name 'Cock Wallets', i know you Aussies are all descended from criminals and as we all know thievery is genetic! I want my propers!

Peace,
Niesche x