Starbucks

Dear people of starbuckes,

I've been visiting one of your coffee dispensaries on the regular for the past few months and have found myself suddenly possessed by the powerful yet strange urge to email you. The only other emotive experience i can liken this urge to is the feelings of sickly unease one gets when cooking eggs at an inappropriate time of the day (say around 1:45pm which is way beyond the normally accepted boundries for taking luncheon). What are the constituent parts of this urge i hear you mumble? Well people of storbeckss, throughout my visits to your ball-achingly smug 'cafe' i have been struck by several "phenomenally wonderful" (not my words sturbocks, the words of the late Dustin Gee no less!) ideas relating to improving the general ambience of your greeny-brown 'looks-similar-to-mcdonalds-but-with-marginally-better-food' establishments.


Firstly i propose a solution to that age old coffee shop problem of what i like to call 'smug laptop twats'. You know the sort, sitting there going "oooh look at me look at me, i'm so hip and important and my 'work' is so special that i even have to tap away on my macbook vagina while sipping a latte, i don't have time to take 'breaks' oh no this spreadsheet detailing all the spreadsheets i've wasted time on over the last year is far too important" when we all know that what they're actually doing is what we all do when we have free time in front of a computer: staring at a blank google homepage trying desperately to think of something interesting to look at that we can then post on facebook later to satisfy our daily 'like' addiction.

Now obviously we can't go around smearing our own feaces onto their laptop screens and pissing in their coffee, and let's face it we've ALL thought about doing that haven't we stirbricks? No, that would be uncouth. So instead i suggest the widespread construction and implementation of 'twat screens' that can be placed around the offending dickheads so they can pretend to work in peace and we don't have to suffer the unhealthy yellow glow of smugness emanating from their every pore. You could even put pictures of bees or daddy longlegsses on one side so we could all imagine we were frolicking in a summer meadow instead of having our peripheral vision filled with overly-serious wankers with ridiculously neat beards.



Secondly, i have always found the taboo nature of toilet visits upsetting and as stickshits is a forward thinking company i wanted to offer you the opportuninty to be the first to embrace my new concept of 'open-toileting'. As your toilets are always in full view of the 'shop-floor' so to speak there is no avoiding the awkwardness that manifests whenever one of your party decides it is time to ablute. As soon as they leave the table the internal monologue begins: "is it a wee wee or a shit?"; "they've been more than 2 minutes, must be shitting"; "6 minutes now, are they constipated??". Then other tables join in this hive-mind of toilet speculation: "That guy has been a while, must be shitting. Now i'm thinking of a stranger shitting. And i'm drinking coffee, a tepid brown substance with a bitter aftertaste! I'm drinking that stranger's shit!!!". You can see the problems that can arise from this toilet ambiguity.

So my proposed solution is to eliminate this uncertainty once and for all. A simple button system, installed at the door to the toilet and once more in each cublicle, presents the toileter with several options. Upon entering the toilet you make the first choice by pressing one of two buttons highlighting your intention by flashing the words 'HAVING A WEE' or 'IT'S A CRAP I'M AFRAID' above the door for all to see. For a straight up wee wee no further option is required, however the second cubicle button choice allows the more serious toileter to 'update their status' mid-visit with options like "It's a clean drop, two wipes at most", "This little fella is a bit shy, he's gonna take some coaxing out", "I'd give it 5 minutes if i were you", or simply "Houston, we have a problem". This would thus eliminate the doubt in customers minds, setting everyone at ease again and able to re-direct their thoughts of cack to more coffee-appropriate subjects, like how some big coffee shop brands relentlessly attempt to monopolise the cafe industry by aggressively targeting prime real estate for instance. Or maybe tax avoidance.



Finally, you know that thing you do where you ask for my name when i order a drink then you write it in a barely legible scribble on the side of my cup? Can you just like stop doing that please? It makes my tits itch. Cheers.



Peace,

Niesche x

The most pointless, boring reply possible. Wankers:

Dear Nick,

Thank you for contacting Starbucks Coffee Company. We welcome feedback from our customers and I have shared your comments with the appropriate team for their attention.

If you have any other questions or concerns, please don't hesitate to get in touch.

Sincerely,

Matthew N.
customer service

 

Tesco

Dear tescows,

I am a passionate man with a great deal of time on his hands and a predisposition towards righteous indignation. As a result of this unique and wonderful combination of elements i have taken it upon myself to begin a new campaign against a great offence within the supermarket community and i would hope that the great and good of tescows will recognise the importance of this campaign and get behind it with spunky gusto!
I am of course speaking of the phallogocentric mis-appropriation and blatant gender bias prevelant in the categorisation of meat products. I realise your fine organisation will of course be fully aware of the controversy surrounding these semantic issues however for the purposes of absolute clarity i feel i ought to spell it out. I am also intending to forward this email on to the morons at the asda and those wooly-headed half-wits wouldn't know a deconstructivist approach to phallogocentric meat product gender-bias if it came and shitted on their lurid green-uniformed faces.

Let's begin with chickens. The inherent sexism within butchery in 2013 is nowhere more apparant than in the blatant male-centric categorisation and sexual objectification of that most glorious of poultry, the chicken.
Chickens: the providers of life in their unselfish production of 'eggs'; the embodiment of 'the feminine' with their strong tone and versatility of real-world knowledge application - shockingly objectified by reductionist sexualised terms for their nutritious femi-flesh such as 'thigh', 'neck' and 'leg', and the absolute worst in this pantheon of hyper-sexualised filth: 'breasts'. In applying such reductionist logic to the nomenclature of fleshy hen products the meat industry creates a metanarrative driven by a phallogocentric bias which deconstructs the complexity of the poultry-feminine to a base level of objectified and sexualised bodily organs. Namely, 'tits'. (And lets face it, who the fuck wants to eat 'chicken tits' anyway?)
In order to address this imbalance i propose the first stage of my grand campaign: in short, the re-appropriation of the semantics of chicken-meat identification to encompass and reflect the intertextual complexities of womanhood while redirecting the male-centric bias towards a less femi-focused, more genderqueer terminology. My solution to this quandry is to rename and thus under-sexualise and mirror the pangender nature of the flesh in question. To this end I suggest we simply call it 'chicken'. "Are you a leg or a breast man?!"..."I am neither. I am a CHICKEN man! (sorry, person! I am a CHICKEN PERSON)".

At the other end of this spectrum of male-centric muck is the graceful and majestic pig. Rather predictably the phallogocentric bias is in this case inverted, the pig being identified as overtly masculine as reflected in the pseudo-aggressive hyper-sexualised terminology of the 'cuts'. The 'shoulder' (strong, powerful and muscular), 'knuckle/shank' (violent, aggressive and 'boney'), and most repugnant of all: the 'loin'. If there was ever a cut of meat which embodies the rape-centric eroticism perpetrated by the male led butchery movement it is the vile 'loin'. The aggressive, thrusting, hard 'loin' - penetrating the mouths of the innocent, subverting the consensuality of the sexually-charged act of eating, further promoting the meta-agenda of the butcher pseudo-rapists. In continuing to persist with these blatantly sexist terms you imbue a filth-narrative at the very heart of the pork experience: the 'shoulder' giving power to the restraint of the femi-victim; the 'knuckle' enforcing and promoting the fear of the abused; and the 'loin' violating and sullying the cleanliness and delicate femininity of the recipient. Talk about a male-chauvanist pig. To remedy this i propose a renaming of all pork products, reducing the inherent sexuality by simply calling it 'pig'. (You can keep bacon though. Bacon is just bacon. Bacon bacon bacon bacon. Bacon).

One further point of general meat-naming wrongness: 'mince'. Blatantly homophobic, the 'mince' meat is presented as 'less than meat', a cruel reduction of substance and texture, reflective of the hyper-aggressivity of phallogocentric homophobic male butchery bias, and presented as less masculine than the firm solidity of a shoulder, a leg or a bollock.

I trust you will take these recommendations on board and apply a new gender-neutral approach to the categorisation of meats, allowing a more femi-positive message to permeate the narratives of our shopping lives.

Many thanks for your time,
Niesche x

Reply

Dear Niesche
My name is Giorgia, I am the Customer Service Manager responsible for responding to your email.

Thank you for contacting us.

Please let me assure you that it was never our intention to cause any offence to the public concerning the labelling of our meat products.

I have forwarded your comments to our Business Support Team who will be sure to inform the appropriate departments.

Once again, I would like to offer my sincere apologies for any offence caused and if I can be of further assistance in future, please do not hesitate to contact me.

Kind regards

Giorgia Warsama
Tesco Customer Service

'Allen'

Initial Message:

From: allenv@css.com
Subject: Date 6/25/2013
Date: Tue, 25 Jun 2013 04:57:30 +0300
Dear Sir/Madam

This is a personal email directed to you.I and my wife have something that will benefit you if interested,email back to us via ( albert.violet@aim.com )

Regards,
Allen and Violet
Email: albert.violet@aim.com

Reply:

Aw sweet! I'm totally interested. I have things to share too, things like KNOWLEDGE! WISDOM! ASPARAGUS! (who the fuck eats that shit, really? Jamie Oliver, that's who! The man's a vegetable snack idiot)
I'm a tiny man with large chicken brain that i keep in a box and i have philosophy from the greatest philosopher of our age to share with you and your deformed cunt of a wife. Yes Allen, i'm talking about Katy motherfucking Perry you honkey tit! Check the science she be dropping:

'I kissed a girl and I liked it'

Whoa!!! That hits real deep, did you feel it Allen? Did you?! Did you catch the profound insight Perry has effortlessly laid bare in this simple phrase? I've kissed girls before and YES, i too liked it. Of course i did! Katy Perry gets deep to the heart of the matter, picking through my finger licking chicken brain and spooning out my hidden desires with a giant philosophy spoon! I always worried about that shit you know, but Perry philosophises the shit out of my paranoid mind bin! 'Ain't no big deal, it's innocent'. Yeah Perry i hear you're whiny bitch voice cramming that golden science into my ears. Real recognise real!

That not enough for your pasty ass Allen?? How about the genius of 'Ur So Gay'??? Check it:

'You’re so gay and you don’t even like boys'

FUUUUUUUCK!!!!! You know what i think Perry is trying to say here?? Can you sense it too Allen? I think....i think she's taken the word 'gay', and you know what she's gone and done with it don't you Allen? She's only gone and CHANGED THE MEANING! Like, she's not really saying 'you're gay' as in 'you're a homosexual'! She's flipped that shit right round and thrown a curve ball straight out of left field! He's 'gay', but he's not 'gay'! 'Gay' now takes on a whole new DOUBLE MEANING! It's like gay squared, as if she's taken 'gay' then added 'minus gay' and ended up with 'no gay' but still 'gay'!!! Genius doesn't even come close.
And as if that's not enough she then drops these two tasty nuggets right after:

'You’re so sad maybe you should buy a happy meal' (What a play on words!!)
'You’re so skinny you should really Super Size the deal' (And then linking the second insult back to the line above!! Fucking Keats has nothing on this amazing woman!)

More profound than a car full of deaf pygmies. More beautiful than Jesus's godly cock. Perry is to philosophy what goldfish are to Amsterdam wanking booths. Synonymous as fuck.

But you know what Allen? You know what makes Katy bloody Perry the bestest? Humility. Check this from her song 'Growing Pains':

'I may not have a PHD, or speak in eloquent philosophy!'

Oh but Katy you dooooooooo!!!!! She has enriched my life Allen, now let her enrich yours. While you're laying in bed with your wife tonight, gently serenade her with the incredible 'Hummingbird Heartbeat'. When she hears the lines:

'Oh oh Hummingbird heartbeat, Oh oh Hummingbird heartbeat
You love me, you love me, Never love me not, not, oh no'

her vagina will implode and suck you in like a fleshy black hole. But don't thank me Allen, oh no no no! Thank Katy idiot shitface Perry.

Peace brotherman,
Niesche.

 

eCards

Initial Message: 

---

Date: Fri, 3 May 2013 17:16:27 +0200
From: contact@ecards.co.uk
To: the_niesche@hotmail.co.uk
Subject: The weekly top 10 apps for 3rd May 2013

1. WhatsApp FREE WhatsApp Messenger is a smartphone messenger. Available for Android and other smartphones.

2. Stannp FREE Turn phone pictures into real postcards sent by post. Send your 1st Card FREE! First Postcard FREE.

3. Candy Crush FREE Switch and match your way through more than 100 levels in this delicious and addictive puzzle adventure. Ain't it the sweetest game ever?

4. SnapChat FREE You control how long your friends can view your message - simply set the timer up to ten seconds and send.

5. GitHub FREE Create, manage, and discuss issues and stay up to date with an integrated news feed for all your organizations, friends, and repositories.

6. O2 Priority FREE Priority Moments is only for O2 customers, giving you exclusive offers and experiences at big high-street brands and local independent stores.

7. ESPN Goals FREE Not only can you watch video clips of all the goals* from every Barclays Premier League match, the enhanced app now comes with ESPN studio-based video, in-app social media functionality and additional personalisation.

8. Aces of the Luftwaffe FREE YOU have to show what you're made of as the war over Europe is in full swing. Fight waves of Axis planes and panzers until you hit the boss enemies.

9. MARVEL War of Heroes FREE Marvel War of Heroes is the ONLY official mobile card battle game from the Marvel Universe, featuring Spider-Man, Hulk, Iron Man and many more.

10. Calorie Counter - MyFitnessPal FREE Lose weight with MyFitnessPal, the fastest and easiest to use calorie counter for Android.

Reply:

Ahoy there captain

Thanks ever so much for the list, it's ever so useful to know the top ten apps for any given week as it makes my job of compiling app trends so much easier! I do feel a tad guilty though, i've never given you anything! And here you are sending me comprehensive app usage information out of the goodness of your heart! Such a kind soul. So, i feel the need to offer you something in return and today is your lucky day because i am going to share with you my list of AMAZING app ideas what i've had in my own brain!!! No amount of money could buy that shit! And what's more you'll be getting a heads up on app trends of the FUTURE, because rest assured these apps are so AMAZING they are GUARANTEED to sell like a child's soiled pants at a BBC bring and buy sale! They will blow your shitting head off!!

Off we go!!

1. 'Lemony Benson'

It's a game! You play as a bent copper, 'Benson', whose mind has been transported into the body of a 9 year old girl with a cleft palette. Lost inside the maze of Leeds indoor market Benson has to steal lemons from unsuspecting market traders to fill up his/her cleft palette 'juice meter' (but watch out for oranges!! LOL!). THEN with a squeeze of those peachy cheeks WHOOSH a lemon juice nose cannon to knock out the evil butchers with their meat weapons intent on stopping Benson from escaping and being reunited with his/her dodgy cop body at Milgarth nick. I imagine quotes from reviews would be something like: "shitting god this is amazing!", "Benson had me mentally wanking into a bowl of citrus delights", "Quite lemony". 

2. 'Pistagram'

A new photo app that uses special filters to recreate those shitty out of focus, badly framed pictures you always manage to take when pissed up on nights out. Underexposed, blurry pictures of peoples feet. Some pictures of friends smoking, always captured at the precise moment they have their eyes shut. The obligatory shot of a pint/cocktail/row of shots on a grubby pub table in case you somehow forget what 'a drink' looks like. And of course those random out of focus shots of precisely nothing, taken by accident 'cos you didn't realise your thumb was pressing the capture button as you were too preoccupied staring like a lunatic at that boy/girl you fancy while drunkenly gurning like a sideshow freak having a fit. 

3. 'High Spy'

A radar 'location' app that helps you locate drug dealers if you're in need of a 'fix'. The dealer turns on the app on their phone, then using augmented reality you hold your phone up to the high rise flats in that rough part of town and hey presto the dealers windows 'glow' with colours indicating the merchandise they sell! Brown for heroin, white for coke/crack, green for weed, yellow for glue. Then simply use the in-app messenger to request the 'score' ("need a spot of brown geezer, what's the dizzy?") and your veins will be lit up with the juice of the gods in no time! No more waiting in McDonalds car park for hours getting paranoid the cops are staking you out! Play 'High Spy' with your little eye and never be stuck for a hit again!

4. 'Dobbin Chop'

A simple 'swipe and tap' gaming app. You are a butcher working for Tesco, how many horses can you mutilate in the set time?? Get slicing and chopping those equine bags of meaty goodness NOW! Careful though, make sure you avoid the cows and sheeps that stray onto your butcher table so as prevent cross contamination! 

5. 'Supermarket Weep'

Another augmented reality app. Use this when shopping in the supermarket by holding the phone up to different products to get an accurate up to date figure representing the number of small businesses ruined by the selling and undercutting of local products at cheaper prices. Upgrade in-app to get the added bonus of seeing the actual suicides on video of the business owners ruined by the aggressive and monopolising policies of the big chains! 

6. 'Hamster Bang'

A game in which you play the leader of a radicalised group of militant hamsters who for some reason have developed a dislike of the gerbil community in the next town over. Arming your hamster balls with devil bangers and fizzing candy roll on into gerbil territory and blow the living shit out of those long-tailed infidels!! Rated 18 for graphic violence and rodent gore.

7. 'Surprising Lettuce'

Hard to categorise, this unique app presents the user with a simple choice: to look at a lettuce, or not to look at a lettuce. After this decision has been made the app will then display a *different type of lettuce at random times of the day on your home screen. The immeasurable joy of seeing a surprise lettuce can now be yours for less than the price of a cheap whore (rrp probs around 3 quids). 
*NB: app comes with only one lettuce free (family favourite, the 'iceberg'). Additional, more exotic, lettuce types such as 'baby gem' and 'cos' can be bought in-app. 

Please be aware, all these app ideas have patents pending and i've got full copyright bitches!!! Don't be biting my shit.

Peace,
Niesche x